My Mom was and still is a 'Bitch ON Wheels" and I am not her favorite. Guess what, her 'golden' boy could care less about her and when she finally needs someone, it's not 'him' she goes to. He's told her he has 'his own family to look out for', while he pays to take care of his mother in law and pays for her to visit, karma baby. Frankly, she'd better not count on me either. I may not have been the best kid, but she was an completely repressive bitch, who put me on 'unlimited' restriction for doing things like , Slamming the back yard gate hard (it wouldn't close otherwise) and who never let me out of the house, so I ditched school and had fun. I still managed to graduate 5 credits over and with a 'B' average. I didn't even become a teenage mother or drug addict, damn I was horrible...wasn't I.

The only thing it 'taught' me, was to only have ONE child and love him and show him I love him, unconditionally...favoritism isn't earned, that's just an excuse.

My mom had 6 children. We are all colors and she favored the 2 fair skinned ones and still does.

I am a middle color and I care for both my parents. I love them both very much and I know I am not favored.

My favored siblings did not earn it.

With Love,

Cindy

Not always true. I have been the one that has tried all her life to be the pleaser and I have also taken on the most responsibility but the alcoholic son is the one among three girls that has always been the mother's favorite.

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE THE CHOSEN OR UNCHOSEN CHILD. EITHER WAY, WE'RE FU**ED!

"It doesn't matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings."

So. What the hell do prents do to avoid traumatizng or stigmatizing every child in the world?

AHHHHHH! I think I get it now. We just treat everybody "equally". Yes, the old Liberal Progressive mantra of "social justice". No one is better than anyone else and no one is worse than anyone else. Don't praise OR criticize anyone. Be nice, be friendly, be the same. Take away the most primitive human emotions,,,SUCCESS and FAILURE! We don't need either. We need to be "even". This will create the Utopic society that socialists and communists claim their method of human governance will create.

WHAT THE F**K IS HAPPENING TO THE PROUDEST AND MOST COMPETITIVE COUNTRY IN THE WORLD?

We're turning into a bunch of SISSY'S, WIMP'S, WIENIE'S, PUSSY'S and as the "Governator" once said,,,"Girlie men"!!!! We can't handle criticism. We can't handle someone being praised. We can't handle ANTYTHING! You can't scold your child or social services will be banging on your door. Instead we give them a "time out"! Our teachers can't grade papers with a RED pen because it may make the child feel bad. But MOST Americans can't read above an 8th grade level. Our Pee Wee baseball games give 10 strikes so no one "strikes out". People get promoted based on feelings rather than ability.

Affirmative action, equal opportunity, quota's and other social justice efforts have basically done little if anything. But now we add political correctness and the Liberal Lamestream media's effort to minimize success and failure and we have the degradation of the American Spirit. This country used to love a challenge because we knew we could conquer it. We used to welcome adversity because we knew we could overcome it. We used to be able to correct our differences, now we sue. We were trailblazers, risk-takers, pioneers and explorers. Now we sit at home, barely know our neighbors, allow our childrens education to be inadequate and now we can't compare siblings.

AMERICA NEEDS TO REGROW ITS SPINE, WE SEEM TO HAVE LOST IT SOMEWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Somehow I knew that this would turn into a republican rant. Isn't there someplace else you can rant about tonight?

Nicely said, Biz. I'm in your shoes as well. And like you, I've chosen to move on.

Or maybe you just think too highly of yourself. Did you ever think that maybe it's gauche and cruel to talk about your siblings that way, even anonymously? You might be a good person, but you are probably not as perfect as you believe yourself to be.

I'm my mom's favorite and she told me so and even tells my brother. Reason? I do things around the house (I don't get paid), I help her, I don't piss her off, etc. My brother? He doesn't do anything around the house but expects to get paid. He doesn't really help her and he hasn't figured out how NOT to piss her off. With my brother it is 'me, me, me.' I never ask for anything.

My brother and I are different. He's athletic; I'm not. He can do complex math; I am a writer (he can't write and I stink at math). He usually gets what he wants, but I never ask for anything.

I think the best thing in the world besides being a wife and mother is being a sister. We were never allowed to hit each other or torment each other so we don't have a lot of negative baggage. I would rather go out to dinner with my sisters than anyone else in the world.

OUr youngest sister is by far my mothers favorite ---it is no big deal, when my mom goes on and on about how wonderful my sister is I just say, " Yeah, mom I love her more than you do!" --that always gets her to shut up. Whatever crazy parents say or do ----it doesn't matter, its all about the relationships and love you develop after leaving the nest.

Hey, Rogue USA. Like the use of the ' ' ' for everything. As much brains as Arnold. The proper word is: pussies, sissies, of which you are one.

Amen! You are so right about sisters. My mother slightly favors her youngest son over his four older sisters but it's ok. We still joke about him being mom's favorite. (He doesn't think he is.)

We know Mom loves us all. I would never wish to be an only child.

I think my parents favoring my youngest sister has hurt them more than it hurt me. I already felt disconnected from the rest of my family, and moved out at 16. Later whent and joined the Army, and still going strong 10 yrs later. When my parents need something, they come to me, and yet my little sis is the Favorite, and biggest disappointment. She does alright for herself, but not to what they had hoped for. I love them all, but hardly even stay in contact anymore. My detachment mad me very independent. Such is life. It hasn't harmed me, it has made me stronger. I get frustrated at times, but, like I said, such is life.

I too a an only child. And as an adult, I wish I had a brother or sister to share in life with. Although, my closest friend and I have a similar bond (she is also an only child and we've been friends since 1st grade), it is not the same as a blood relative. My spouse, on the other hand, is the older of two and is not the favored. His mother will never admit that she favors one over the other, but it is evident to anyone who knows them. She was disliked by her mother for being the only girl and in turn favors the girl over the boy to compensate. Yet, while his father is ill, he is the one, not his sister, who is constantly helping them. And she isn't even working...Sometimes not admitting it is not the truth, but rather a different form of denial and perception.

I am an only child as is my dh. We have two children who are amazingly close. I work very hard not being the kind of mom that chooses a favorite but in honesty I feel very close to my daughter (older of the two) in one way and I feel very close to my son in an entirely different way. They are both different and unique. Sometimes, my son needs me more and sometimes my daughter. I can't imagine not having a relationship with your parents or children. I am very close to my parents as is my dh to his and we are very close to our children.

One of my closest friends 'hated' her sister who was the favored one. When the mother died (father had passed on many years earlier) they started getting closer to each other and are now the best of friends. Go figure.

Nicely said, Biz. I'm in your shoes as well. And like you, I've chosen to move on.

me to, my mother gives my sister money for a holiday but begrudginly gives me some money as a wedding present, i get car insurance on my 16th birthday, my sister gets a car and the insurance, my mother bought an income property and let me rent it from her at full market rent, my sister just got given a house to live in rent free even though shes a brat, i have little relationship with my parents and dont contact them often, its sad that they either cant see the favouritism or choose to act this way but its their loss.

i never had kids i didnt want to end up like my mother but if i did have kids i would enjoy their distinct personalities and i would never put them down call them names or violently beat them

If you have no children, then you cannot possibly know what you would do!

it's not as easy as you seem to think

anna and otto.

i would never put them down call them names or violently beat them

Sorry, but that made me laugh. On the other hand, it is comforting to know you wouldn't violently beat your children...

im glad you got a chuckle

but it was bad getting punched on the back and spat on

JGP,

Sounds like your mom might have a touch of narcissistic personality disorder. No one in the family is allowed to like anyone but her.......

That stinks.

Notmuchtosay-You are probably right. The wierd thing about your comment is that I married someone who was later diagnosed with that disorder and had his own brand of cruelty that went with it. I always felt like it was the familiarity that made it 'feel' okay for me to marry him. He at least later sincerely apologized and got very intensive therapy (after we divorced). My mother would never do that. She is the queen. As far as I know, only one sibling (out of 5) visits her now. And I don't believe any of her grandchildren do. It is extremely sad.

From your description, we could have the same mom. Everything is psychological warfare, not getting sucked into it is like rocket science unless you just stiff arm the B.S. away. Professionals say NPD is near impossible to treat. Can you imagine trying to treat a person who has convinced themselves the world revolves around their every emotional whim?! The imagined contests? Ugh. It's hard to pass it off as a sickness and feel sympathetic and forgiving though. Many children of people like that end up marrying them and many become them. I'm a mom now, sometimes plagued with fear that I might be one. But if I was one, I would never even consider the possibility of having an unsavory personality disorder.

But it is sad. Starting to feel sorry for mine as she ages. Oh boy, where are all these comments going? We should be paying each other!

Guys, this could also be Borderline Personality Disorder. It is very hard to treat but not impossible as there are new treatments becoming known such as DBT. Unfortunately I have experience with BPD.

Notmuchtosay--

NPD is not a mental sickness, it is a personality disorder, like antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy). These people know right from wrong, know what they are doing but think they are the center of the universe so it's OK. Had a mother like that too, and still bear some scars, but much therapy has helped. Married a man with it and adopted a daughter who also suffers from the disorder. Just lucky I guess.

Sounds much like my own situation, which has been a lifelong problem. It wasn't until my first child was born that I confronted my mother about the way she'd treated me throughout my life. She told me she resented me for being born; she said I came too soon after her first-born. She admitted that it wasn't until the doctor told her he thought I might die (as an infant) that she started to give me some motherly attention; however, her resentment never ceased even to this very day. My entire family is caught up in her machinations and we have all suffered as a result. She's still very controlling and manipulative, but my brothers and sisters are part of the sickness. I don't speak to any of them, but my own daughters are old enough now to clearly see through the problem, too. At times, I still break down and cry. The sadness never goes away.

My stepmom does the exact same thing. She totally favors her oldest daughter and plays us all against each other.

The only way to deal with someone like your mother is to get all siblings on board and confront her, but this is nearly impossible to do as most family members are caught up in the disfunction and have let her get away with these destructive behaviors. They are afraid to confront her.. My mother is exactly as you describe. The actual term for her behavior is borderline personality disorder. The desire to be a trouble maker is classic.

JGP- good luck to you, sounds like a no-win situation, hopefully you can make a better one for yourself

My mother is much the same believing that she is the matriarch of the family and can say and do as she pleases, but no one dare hurt her feelings. The youngest in our case is the favored one. I think for my mom it was survival mode so that she could stay in her home. I know it is hell to get old and be afraid you'll be ordered about or may be struck (in some instances) if you enter a care facility. The youngest always did very little besides living with mom. I cleaned, cooked, gardened, etc. trying to be good and be accepted by mom. She thought I chose my own life over taking care of her after dad died. I wanted to have kids and a husband, but she wanted some one who would devote their whole life to her having fun, and not having a life of their own. There was no middle ground! My younger sister now thinks that we all owe her for "taking care of mom". She treated us like we were her lower class employees. It takes alot of courage and self preservation to stay away from toxic relationships, especially when you care about that parent, but they treat you so badly!

One of my sibs actually tried to get social services involved at one point. She was so enraged and so defensive she kicked him out of the house (at age 15) and one brother who is handicapped who spoke up she refused to get out of bed for days (probably the worst thing you can do to someone in that condition). She told them that she had hit me, but I asked her to do it??? She intimidated social services so they never called again. She was (and still is) a physically beautiful, intelligent and connected woman. A master manipulator. She speaks in a cutesy, baby voice....pretends to be warm and caring. Referred to as an 'angel' because of my handicapped brother. He even moved as far from her as he could get....imagine a quadriplegic having the guts to move sight unseen all the way across the country. It was the best thing he ever did for himself.

I defended her for years. I wish I never had. Now the oldest is her saint. At one point it was the youngest.

The sad thing for all of us is that it kept us so off balance, and because she would always say one thing or another about one of us to the others, it made us hyper emotional and hyper distrustful of each other. The only way to survive growing up was to stay on her good side. We cannot speak about it. Because everyone's interpretation of what happened is subjective and emotional, we cannot even totally agree on what she did to us.The only good that came of it is that we all worked very hard with our own children to not let that happen.

so obviously you were a perfect only child with the perfect only children parents who lives in the perfect "cookie cutter" life that you imagined and lived for yourself. Congratulations how does it feel to be perfect, did you learn it or wer you just born into it.

My husband's mom has also always favored his sister, and then his sister's children. She would babsit her kids, but not ours. She would bring them presents, but not ours. It wasn't until my daughter actually came out and asked, "Gramma, why don't you like me?" It was so sad, but it seemed to break through to my mother-in-law. There is still some favoritism, but it is very slight, and my daughter now has a close relationship with her grandma.

Absolutely true! At least you see it for what it is. My exhusband was the middle child and his older sister was the favorite, as were her kids. What my exmonsterinlaw has done is made my kids and my exBIL's kids hate her. To say they will dance on the old bat's grave one day is an understatement!

Man, that sucks, I am so sorry...really honest writing--you rarely see that here. Just out of curiousity do you have a family of your own? The best revenge ( therapy) is loving other human beings the way you should have been loved.

Yours was the first response I read, and it hit home. Most comments to these news stories very quickly veer off in another direction, but this article really strikes a chord with most readers. I can relate to most of the comments that show the damage done from unwitting parents. I have a toxic mother myself who is completely in denial of damage done and will not discuss any of it. I suppose she will pass away before us siblings will be able to repair the damage done. All of these responses are proof that we are at least not alone in our experiences. Find creative outlets, and love those who will love you back.

rewd1, you are the selfless giver, the beautiful person inside, and the most mature of your family. This is obvious to anyone that reads your post. It's a shame you were never recognized for this.

But it's way past due that you start accepting yourself for who you are. One day, I hate to say it, it will be you who is on the death bed. We all will be sooner or later. Will you wait for that day to start being comfortable in your own skin?

You are a good person. It's time you admit that to yourself. Get your chin up, tell yourself you love who are you (and believe it), and get out there and live your life. I, for one, would like to see you live a long, happy, and mentally healthy life.

And I applaud you for everything you've done for your familiy.

I both sympathise and want you to know I know how you feel. I moved from England to USA partly to get away from the total unfairness of the favoritis game. I most certainly am not the favorite .. from the day my father died and my mother remarried and had another child - I ceased to exist - from the day he was born up until now he always has and always will be the golden chld. He is in his forties still lives at home and uses my mother for shelter, monies and she just does not see it. The final straw was when she had heart surgery and I travelled three times in a month from USA to see her only to hear her tell me that Alan was such a good son - he had actually run the swiffer around the floors prior to her returning home - no mention of my flying backwards and forwards from USA to England - when I pointed out that he was not her only child she replied that I seemed to be always so jealous of him - you betcha!! I love and miss my mother but enough is enough .. I am just sad that she doesn't see and doesn't care -

Thank you for your honesty and for describing my near future. Honestly, I don't believe I have the courage to do what you did.

You are a better man that I am.

your comment was very poignant...and from what i read here, you are a good person. your feelings toward your brother are understandable...God bless you and may you find lots of love in your life.

Wow - I can relate to you. I have lived your life and it sucks, but unlike you, I am angry at my Mom because I never knew what it felt like to be really special. No matter what I did it was never good enough. I was married to an alcoholic and she actually blamed me for his drinking! After the divorce, she invited him for dinner and helped him out in many ways, while me and the kids were barely scraping by (he refused to support us) I also despise the older sister who my Mother treated like the Virgin Mary. I don't think there is any way to take the hurt away. She is gone now. I just wish I was treated like the others.

to: redw1

Your mother loved you the same. She knew your brothers weaknesses and she knew your strength. She was wise, you never needed her as much as your brother needed her. Don't you get it you were in the position you were supposed to be in. You were the son you were supposed to be. Your mother needed you and you were there.

Dry your tears and remember those really fun times you had with your mom.

Tonia

wow, I guess im not the only onethough most of our situations are the switched. I would do anything not to be the burden on my mom that I am. got injured and my back injury keeps me from being employed, I can work but nobody will hire someonewho has hurt thier back, but theres mom......taking care of her 49 yr old son and making sure that I dont forget it. It's ruined what used to be a very close relationship. I pray that somehow it changes before she passes. my prayers are with you and tonia had the answer dialed.

mike

So heartfelt and authentic. You are a beautiful and clear writer and I know you've helped others with your experience. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing your story, I am so sorry she made you feel that way.... You write beautifully and Write where the emotion of it all impacts the heartstrings. Good Luck to you, you are an awesome person to tend to two ailing family members.. I pray that my relationship with my siblings gets better... and you and your brothers too..

I couldnt help but tear up reading your story..But you need to move past the hurt and realize that your mom loved you the same, and knew you could hold your own and maybe your brother was the weaker of the two and she needed to care for more. you seem strong,sensitive,very selfless and caring and I want to say that there is always a huge and strong bond between the first born and the mother mutually,and because this is nature and goes without saying,your mom had to show the younger child maybe a little more effort, so that that isnt felt towards him..be happy that your mom died with you next to her and not your brother. That says alot right there.

rewd1: Your feelings are absolutely valid and it's completely natural to feel the way you do. However, you must let it go. You have many, many years ahead of you and if you continue to let it eat at you, you'll just be miserable. The worst part, by harboring these feelings, you are only hurting yourself. Your brother cannot control how your mother treated either of you and it's not his fault. Granted, it sounds like he may have learned to use this to his advantage but he isn't allowing it to affect his life.

There is only ONE thing in this life we can control. It's the here and now. We cannot change the past and the future is unpredictable. Regarding here and now, the only thing we can control is our individual response to any given situation. We cannot control anything else. (Think about that for a moment and you'll know it to be true. Any other thing over which you believe you have control is but an illusion.)

Your challenge isn't your mother's last act toward the favorite son. Your challenge is changing your response and your emotions about what has transpired.

If you are religious and Christian, I urge you to read the Beatitudes from the book of Matthew. If you are not religious, are you curious or do you feel compelled to believe in a higher power/authority? If you consider yourself an intellectual, consider reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.

Regardless of your beliefs, Christ speaks directly about your acts of service to your mother. You honored her even though she seemed rather ungrateful, still siding with your brother after all you have done. Christ's advice is that God has noticed your selfless acts and looks favorably upon them. Furthermore, if you are willing to ask Him, He will grant you grace and relief from your pain. You don't have to do anything except ask. It's completely free to anyone who asks regardless of circumstance.

What you have done is exactly how God wants us to treat each other. He wants us to love each other unconditionally. You did that for your mother. However, you should not feel proud. This is how we were meant to live and treat each other. Your sense of self-worth should not be tied to your acts of service. You are who you are and priceless in God's eyes no matter how you behave.

REWD1-

What you say hits so very close to home for me. I am now 63 and caring for my 85 yr-old mother, who has always been somewhat caustic and quick to take sides, though the reason for which side she took wasn't often clear. we live one mile from my older sister, a retired RN, and she and her husband have lots of money, a totally paid-for everything, only one son, but rarely come do anything but to take her out for Chinese food infrequently. the story holds true for the younger brother who moved about 500 miles away and says it was all his wife's fault. the younger sister lives about 20 miles away, and we see her about once every three or four years, for a few minutes. however, when my younger brother comes to visit I am expected to give my bedroom to them, she cooks anything he wants, and he sits and drinks/smokes constantly and listens to loud country music from arrival until departure. i often plan to move away for my emotional health but the guilt grabs me and I have yet to go. oh, and almost of my family is into nursing, a service profession just perfectly designed for those with emotional problems. however, I have undergone much therapy, counseling, and have realized through gently questioning Mom that her childhood was really terrible, and this allows me to understand much of what happens/has happened to us in our lives. a few years ago she would not have discussed this topic at all, but we have gotten much closer and more frank with each other. I am a recovering AA/NA, and I have frequently discussed the fact that there is another, better way to live, and that it is never to late to start enjoying life, regardless of our age, gender, health, money, whatever, and she has been listening to me. I feel much less picked-on when I can get her to talk about her problems and suggest things to do to feel better, and that I won't tolerate her abuse. I still want my own home, but right now I can stay here for a little longer, while I return to school for more education. one day at a time, but she has made it really painful for much of my life. Thanks for your inspired words, and live well.

REWD1, thank you for sharing your story. You are a great person and I do hope the hurt will diminish with time.

My dad passed this year after an 18 month illness that rendered him a parapalegic. I took care of him every day, beginning at 7 am and ending after 9 pm. I was so tired most of the time. I have no regrets in taking care of him. Several people asked me if I wished I had brothers and sisters to "help". I told them no, I was glad to do it, would probably have to do it even if I had siblings. This way no one was telling me how to do it, complaining about it and I wasn't all pissed off cause the other's wouldn't help. No, I'm glad to be an "only".

Good luck to you rewd1, my dad was never the favorite either, even though he was the one that had it all together.

Sorry to hear rewd. Here are some of my experiences.

I still have suffer comments from my father. The most recent, and this was in 2003, when I joined the Army. "I'm proud of you, BUT, you should of gone Airborne". There was always buts. When my dad was getting ready for bak surgery, he got drunk and called from my sister's Apartment, even though I lived closer to where he was going to have his surgery. He was drunk and worried that he might not make it. He wanted me to promised to take care of my little sister if anything happened to him. My little sis is the favorite in the family, and has done ok for herself. Always gets the praise. Personnally, I was happy that he admitted he was proud of me. It only took 23 years.

The last real fight we had was when my sister fell down the stairs. He came running up, and punched me. My sister admitted she slipped. He never apologized. That was at 16 and I moved out shortly after that. I wouldn't change a thing, for the most part. It has made me a much stronger person than he was. Now I have a daughter and 2 step children. I do my best to bring balance to all of them.

At least I he trusts me.

Dear REWD, what a beautiful piece of writing. I pray that in writing it, you will begin to find some peace by just getting it out. You are a very special person.

As you, I cared for my mother in her last years (I was 3rd born and a child she had when she was 41, my father was 53). Brother and sister 15 and 13 yrs older...both living in the mid-west as adults while Mom and I live on the East Coast. Neither came to visit, although there were infrequent phone calls to her...none to me to see how I was holding up during all the hours spent caring for her. Neither came to the funeral! Needless to say, I don't speak with them. Sad commentary to family, isn't it! I've chosen to make close relationships with several women whom I consider "sisters"...worth more than any family could ever be.

Dear Rewd,

I feel like everyone else here. You did the right thing, for you and your mother. People throughout our lives will do the wrong thing and its almost a test to see how we respond. I would LOVE for you to read a book called "Sacred Contracts" (by Carolyn Myss, that book I PROMISE will help you gain a fresh prespective of the relationship you had with both your mother and brother. I know you'll find it fasinating and healing. I hope in time you find the peace you deserve.

The anger and depression you are living with comes from the two separate "realities" you are. In fact, your soul has led you through the most perfectly intended lessons of life and is saddened that you do not yet realize that in "heaven sense" and in spiritual worth, you have gathered the most priceless treasure trove of all!

rewd1, do you have any guilt with your feelings over this matter? It is perfectly all right to feel angry, resentful, neglected, etc after everything you've done and after everything you've been through.

Of course, I'm not here to tell you what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' feel... but going by my own experiences, I realized something. For as long as you try to seek your parent's approval, you will never truly be happy, because you are always falling short of 'their' expectations. It's a cold, harsh reality, but if you 'didn't have mom's favor' when she was alive, how can you expect to have it when she is no longer here? It's a fading dream that can never be attained.

Just ask yourself... honestly. Who and what are you? Are you really nothing more than that little boy seeking mom's approval? Or was there and is there still something else inside of you that longs to be validated? Because first and foremost, it is you that has to validate that, to accept it, to love it and feel no guilt over what you are... only by doing that, I believe you can start to move on from this. You've already shown that you have a kind heart... do you want to keep that locked away, or do you want to share that with the world around you?

I want to thank everyone for their kind words and sharing their experiences as well. I waited a few days to read what others had to say, even thought of not doing so entirely, but now I'm glad I took the time to read each and every one.

parents that play favorites jealous of the "non favorite"

---------------------------------------------------------------

I almost wrote the same thing...I agree with it. My Mother was always jealous of me having boyfriends, lots of people calling and my going out (when I wasn't on restriction, which during my teen years before I got a car from my Dad, I almost always was). It's not my fault she hates her life. SHE is the one who chose it. Don't be bitter towards me, because I've gone out and lived 'my' dreams (and have many more I'm working on coming to fruition). I've told her, 'YOU'VE made yourself miserable and become bitter. How is that 'my' fault"? To which I've never gotten a reply. It wasn't because I was born either, she PLANNED me.

She and my father should never have married and why they are still married is beyond me. They've never had a thing in common and detest one another. I think it's the main reason why I've turned down three offers of marriage and at 42 will never be married. I hated growing up and my Mom and they way she is has shaped my life, for the better often times for not...

In agreement with both of you...jealous and also frightened that you can be independent and happy and full of life and curiosity. When I think about it mother befriended all of our high school girlfriends and boyfriends...she still communicates with them 50 years later and has virtually no communication with her own family because of the games she has played. I am amazed at how many people writing in seem to have had the same mother! Makes me feel not so alone in this respect.

I can tell you that as a male child of professional father who had no time for his kids, put himself and his career first; hearing a parent vocalize the feelings you have just put out makes a TON of difference (at least to me; in my life). At least we know you CARE.

I think you probably should go a bit easier on yourself, as I'm sure that your daughter is fully aware of how you feel, and that effort alone - to address the past and clear the air now - and make positive steps forward in the present relationship - makes all the difference in the world.

My dad still does not get it. Thankfully, my mother and I have cleared the air, and have a good, positive adult-to-adult relationship. Hopefully my father and I will do the same before it's too late.

Best wishes to you!

Because your child was handicapped, you made a decision NOT to get close to her? That's the coldest thing I've ever heard and quite frankly, if I had been you, I'd have kept that to myself and not posted it on a public forum. I have a handicapped child and one who is not and I cannot imagine alienating or favoring one child over the other. Obviously you know the pain and heartache you put your daughter through as you state you know your words can't heal her broken heart. I hope she has been able to find happiness and love elsewhere. I'd say YOU were the one who missed out. Ann didn't miss a damn thing.

You don't know how you'd react to a handicap child.

I am the parent of a child that has Autism like symptoms (very low on the spectrum) and to top it off he is severely dyslexic. I NEVER thought I would be able to hand that, but once my son was diagnosed (at age three) I decided to do EVERYTHING within my power to make my son's life as positive as it could be. It's really worked out so far and my son is a happy, healthy, much loved brat who does okay in school ( and is not in special education). I can't tell you HOW HARD it's been, there is no way for you to know unless you walk in my shoes.

Some people handle special children well...others don't and there is no way of knowing until it happens to you.

To Nancy, the person who harshly criticized this mother: until the last few decades, it was not uncommon that deaf children were often sent away to schools where they were raised and educated separately from the hearing population. If this woman's relatives had experienced such a life, her reaction upon hearing that her daughter might be deaf could have been simple self-preservation ("I'm going to lose her anyway, so I better not get too close to her"). But whatever her reasons (and she says she doesn't know why), she's well aware of the consequences of her decision, and I believe she is very brave to admit it here. It's possible that someone could read her post, realize that something like that is going on in their life, and make positive changes in the way they treat their own child. You've obviously done very well in treating your children fairly and equally, so congratulations for that. But judging Diana for her revelation is both unfair and unproductive. Her declaration of love for her beautiful daughter brought tears to my eyes. Nothing is so beautiful as forgiveness. Ann is lucky to have a mother whose eyes have been opened, and with whom she can now have a good relationship.

My sister was born 1930, me 1953, my niece 1961. My sister was the "smart" one, my niece the "pretty" one. I was the problem child. The stupid and fat one. Best thing ever. I am a well educated, intelligent professional, respected and loved by my husband of 37 years, 2 children and good friends. My sister is a morbidly obese couch potato who did nothing with her life and has 3 loser kids, a lousy marriage, and whines all the time now that Mom is dead and not around to make it all better. My niece getting 3rd divorce and as the old saying goes beauty fades dumb is forever. The best revenge is to live, laugh, love and show them how it's done. LOL

For your heartache there is a silver lining. You won't have to worry anymore about your brother being treated special and, likewise you may have an opportunity to correct him by being his bigger brother and taking over where your mom left off with him. Parents always say and should try to not show favoritism but, it is an impossible thing to disregard, as it is part of nature itself. As far as your emotions and sadness about the lifelong situation you should try hard to get over it and realize that someday she will see you again and when she does it will be better that you have taken her place in your brothers life. If he is the way he is and immature about it he definetly needs help and you should be the one to give it.

God Bless

Ummmm. If you never noticed any real favoritism, I think that you may have taken a smartass comment your mother made, and never meant, to heart. From your description, it sounds as though she was just responding to your snit in what she kinda meant to be a humorous remark.

What this really says is that parents need to watch what they say as preteens don't always have the understanding of sarcasm and can take an off-hand remark like this to heart when it was not really meant that way at all.

I think your strategy of keeping a "connected distance" is a good one. You are not alone in your situation, and you seem to be handling it in a most sane and pragmatic way. My hat's off to you!

Good for you.

That's a very nice way to approach the issue! =)

Aww, that's so sweet, I'm sure they'll appreciate that as they age... ;)