Have you looked at the sky lately in NJ? The sky is not as Blue as it should be. It has a gray tint to it. IMHO, its from the oil spill. I really see the sky as grayish and thats due to all the pollution over 200 years. A thicker atmosphere and darkened oceans create less blue. Its not depression its perception.
There is no exclusion that prevents the delusional mentally ill from posting to the vine. It actually is helpful to see how they see things. Besides the crude jokes of tinfoil hats, these people perceive the world differently than the rest of the world and for them we are all wrong.
Interesting! I experienced this myself at the end of a long-term clinical depression. When I first started to recover, the very first change I noticed was I started to become aware of colors again. It was as if I'd been living in a gray or beige world that had suddenly started to sprout other colors. I was amazed and excited by the change. When I tell people my story of recovery, I try to explain it, but unless you've experienced it, I don't know if you can understand it.
It's true, i experience the same thing being bipolar - the world looks less colorful when i'm down, and very colorful when I'm up. Things aren't particularly gray, but the entire field of vision seems to be lower contrast. It's all in color, but everything is lower contrast and lower brightness of colors regardless of how intense the sunlight is. The contrast can be so low that I really don't notice some colors and it's like they appear out of nowhere when i come out of a depressive slump.
Some of the medication I was prescribed in the past seemed to fix the color problem, and one medication made the colors even more vibrant than normal. I don't remember if it was Abilify or something else, but I remember saying over and over, "the world is so beautiful all of a sudden, look at the colors, look at those colors!"
Yes, the world looks blurred most of the time as I feel mostly out of it, like a ghost instead of real flesh and bone. Is this because everything looks hazy to me or is it because of my feelings that the world seems hazy? Anyway, my eyes hurt when the environment is too bright, like I cant bear to look at people in brightly colored attire. I like days which are clouded as everything seems soothing. Also, I like nighttime more as it is not so bright outside or inside (I use low wattage lights at home). I do see all the colors but I have a desire to see grey. I love snow covered and barren landscapes (rocky terrain). I find blizzards and Grand Canyon/desert type of places beautiful. I also hate seeing greenery. On sad days I love colors which lie between White and Black (i.e., shades of grey only, like what you will get if you keep adding black paint to white). But on happy days I like all shades between Yellow and Red. Most days it seems I am sleepwalking through life, floating around brain dead, as if I don’t exist, and my memory has become terrible. I feel I am bipolar too, but haven’t checked it out, cause I have gone beyond caring and fixing myself.
When I get depressed I lose interests in things, have low energy, and am always in a bad mood.......I have the melancholic temperament....So life can seem very hard.......
"Melancholic temperment." What a wonderful phrase, though now out dated. I've been that way all my life too. Then I started reading a little Buddism and became more centered on "doing" rather than thinking or feeling. I can do the latter two with no effort but to haul butt and get outside and just "do" things requires actual work. I sometimes have to psych myself up to it.As a result ,I no longer experience extremes of color. Looking "inward" by reading and thinking and looking "outward" by engaging the world has balanced things out. Our behavior can alter our chemistry just as our chemistry can alter our behavior. The post by A Believer815 is right in that difficult life circumstances create the worst depression because sometimes the issue is the world and not our perception of it. Is the world grey or is it just my perception? Your life may depend on knowing the difference.
I agree, i have a seasonal profession. winters hibernating life away and summers full of exhausting labor that is really gratifying and rewarding do to all the gained knowledge of new experiences and abilities. winters are very difficult for me I'm probably a seasonal bipolar sufferer. worst thing is I'm not alone with this!!! many coworkers of mine go through this same illness.
also agree that the world and its ways are a huge contributor to many common sense self educated bright people. one doesnt need a fancy degree to see alot of whats going on out there. Greed Well hell thats a whole nother topic,
Considering that color blindness is a sex-linked characteristic, having higher frequencies in men than women because of the missing set of genetic information on the Y chromosome, I'd be willing to bet that they actually have problems. If not, then there'd be a disproportional ratio of men to women in this experiment.
Yes, I too, know from the inside out, how clinical depression, once experienced, blunts perception of colors and scents and many more sensory inputs. Depression is the meanest illness to impose itself on your being. The contrast is stark when improvement continues, for me, at about 3 months, when scents, colors and arising from sleep began to have the former magnificence for me. Gray... yes, all colors appeared dulled, toward gray, not black though. The lushness of greenery in growing trees and spring growth, the sounds of music and a perfect symphony ringing in my soul... it took a solid three months to crack the density of depression to begin to appear. Once they did, they reigned...
After 6 months, I was able to taper off medication and colors, scents and auditory appreciation have been a germaine component of my well being since.
Please, readers, never think, that once experiencing a clinical depression is a sentence to eternal depression. Hasn't happened since and it has been over 15 years now... colors still look vibrant, aromas still, to my best awareness, flow though... thank God for the Family Practice Doctor who recognized my depression and convinced me to accept pharmaceutical treatment... my thanks still go out to his soul.
My husband, too, is so grateful to have his enthusiastic, energetic wife continuing as his partner!
Having suffered from prolonged bouts of depression my entire adult life, I ask, who the @!$%# cares? How many millions of dollars did they waste on this stupid experiment that has done nothing to contribute to a cure, or a more effective treatment? I get sick to death of hearing about all these scientific experiments that do little or nothing more than solve some bored scientist's curiosity about something. Or is it just a way to get another government grant to live off of for a couple years?
It's people like you who depress me. The pursuit of scientific knowledge, in its most basic form, is a wonderful thing. Especially when it's solving one more piece of the complex puzzle that is the human body, it's also saddening to see someone advocate ignorance over knowledge.
As for the funds given to the experiment, universities are subsidized in Germany, so it's their governmental money at work. Unless your German, quit complaining.
Or better yet, get off this website and go to Wikipedia or some such. Enlighten yourself, your depression and cynicism might abate a little.
I kind of hold with you Cynthia. People get depressed and their bodies change. Or is it that bodies change and people get depressed? It all depends on your personal situation. No big breakthrough in this story.
The point of this study is to better understand the biological connection to depression. Seems that you don't seem to get that. One outcome of this study may be to better diagnose depression, or to find a new treatment. Wouldn't it be great if people didn't have to pop a pill to counteract depression, that maybe color exposure/treatment may hold promise.
I too have suffered from depression all my life, and don't like the way most depression drugs work, because of the side effect that it often makes it so I don't feel anything at all. I don't like that one bit. But I like the depression even less, so I take them.
I believe. After a traumatic period consisting of the death of my sister and then her son (by 2 separate drunk drivers), my mother went into severe depression. Fortunately, my doctor and I intervened and we got her the help she needed. I will never forget the day when she simply stood in the living room (after the traumas, we had done some remodeling to help miniize the memories) and said, "I didn't know you painted the room that color. And the sofa is so bright and pretty." The anti depressents had finally taken affect. She had thought the walls were a deep grey and the sofa was charcole grey. The walls were a soft linen and the sofa a tan leather. She even thought my bright red sportscar was a dark grey color. I just didn't listen. THESE ARE SIGNALS FOLKS... listen to your friends and loved ones please!
As one of the rare folk on the vine that actually works with depressed people here are a few realities. 1. It isn't caused by your mother. 2. It is genetic and runs in families. 3. Psychotherapy works for mild cases, not for severe cases. 4. All the research that you tin foil hat folk can rail against shows that psychotherapy with medication has the highest rate of cure or return to normal.
Now that the true scientific facts have been put forth I will sit back and wait for the most impaired amongst us to do the rebuttal.
not a rebuttal only to say right on the point, but wait for the idiot physiologist and mental health idiots to tackle this from their dark side, they see things in box's and bars have hope there is a GOD who is judge of all. not for idiots to read from their box's or bar's/
I've been saying this for years - it's absolutely true for me when I'm feeling truly depressed. Every room, every thing looks darker. Nice to know it's not just me, but sorry that others have been through this, too!
I know one thing for myself, after looking at colorful flowers, which can be for hours or less, the imprint that it leaves in my mind and spirit is a utopia of edible love cherished brilliants, and dazziling color, that takes me into the attraction that i am eating, smelling, drinking the color at the same time, and time stands still, only you and the creators love and joy! This is what i have done for over 50yrs because of work and hobby.
John, it's possibly you're a 'synaesthete' (http://www.synaesthete.com/faq/). My mother feels happy, well and sexy if she sees and wears purple, but mauve makes her feel positively ill. I do not experience colors in this way. You seem to experience them more like she does, however, and less like I do.
yes this is for the idiots to read too my be than you will stop seeing things in bar's and box's and be able to see in color like the normal people with depression,
yes the people that are judging us and telling us what to do are gonna be the ones that are going to go to jail because whatever is happening in this world right now is gonna be the opposite way when god comes down to judge everyone!
I was situationally depressed following a long period of hospitalization, and took Prozac for it. After release from the hospital and from the situation, I was able to wean off the Prozac. I didn't like the way it made me not-feel: I didn't feel sad, but I didn't feel happy either. I didn't feel anything. Weaned away from it, I've always said, "I could feel things in color again." But quite possibly, the whole 'color' thing was more true than I knew.
Cynthia, if you really are depressed, please do try to get help. And if your current doctor or current medication is not working for you, try another.
I was depressed. I felt like my soul was dying. Tried a couple of different meds, felt like well, this is just the way I am. Then I moved so went to another doc who put me on something different. After only 4 days, I remember waking up at night and feeling totally different. My wonderful husband who had been living with this shadow person woke up and said (probably fearing another panic attack or emotional crisis) "What? What's wrong?" I turned to him and said in utter wonderment "I'm back!"
Please do not give up. Life can be worthwhile and it is possible to go through life's difficulties with a positive outlook.
Do people who suffer long-term clinical depression (tens of years) ever get better?
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at age 20. I spent 8-9 months in therapy and tried several different medications, with no improvement. Walked away from treatment and picked up a drinking habit. Now 35 and just waiting for life to be over with.
Chad - you may not get better. But that doesn't mean life can't get better. I'm 36 and was diagnosed a few years earlier than you. I have some family history of similar things, but also experiential causes.
Exercise and good nutrition have been the 2 things that have helped the most. I take liquid vitamins (Source of Life, which has way more Vitamin Bs and things like that than even energy drinks), and I try to eat nothing but lean meats, fresh vegetables, beans/legumes and healthy fats. Additionally I have found supplementing with fish oil/Omega-3s to be a HUGE help to my general mood, but I know the science is still iffy on that. Alcohol can help some people, if their depression has an anxiety component and they do not abuse it, but I'm guessing you have taken it a bit farther than is good for you. I'm not telling you to stop, but you might try to cut back some so you can focus on adding these other habits to your lifestyle. Then at some point you might not need the drinking habit as much, and you'll have choice about it.
Does this mean you'll ever be super happy, or skip around like other people who seem happy all the time? Probably not; that's not how it works for me. But life can be better, and as long as it can keep getting better, you never know how good it might get one day. Even if I only sometimes really believe this, the possibility exists, and I have to acknowledge that my skepticism is partially a result of the depression itself; it's not a logical necessity that I can never be happy, even if it seems that way a lot of the time. So as long as it's theoretically possible, and as long as I can experience life a little better today than 6 months ago, I figure it's at least worth trudging along, because I've dealt with this for 20 years and life sure as hell can't get any worse than it has been in the past, and I lived through that.
I had this experience for 2 1/2 years at a job I hated. The weird thing was that the effect of gray only happened while I was working in that building, I never noticed it anywhere else. They should test to see if "selective gray" exists.
I can't remember what happiness feels like and I often questioned whether or not I have ever really felt it. I've struggled with major depression for so long now that life itself has become almost a lesson in futility. When I first sat down to write this post I was questioning, as I do every day, what the sense is in continuing on with life. I feel trapped between not wanting to hurt my family once again and ending the pain. I have failed at so many things in my life so it shouldn't come as any big surprise to me that I will most likely fail at life itself. For those who may not suffer with depression it would be difficult for you to understand how anyone would consider suicide, but if you thought of it as a way to end the pain that has gone on forever maybe it wouldn't be such an unthinkable solution. There was a time when I thought that maybe I could continue on, that maybe looking forward to things in life again would be the answer. Now even those things don't provide any reason to keep going on. I've tried so many different medications over the years that haven't helped. At times I'll sit and look out the window and watch people and wonder what makes them happy, what gives them a reason to keep going, or how they can seem so happy when all I feel is this pain? God, I wish I could explain these feelings, I wonder if people know how lucky they are in being able to laugh and smile, to find joy in even the most simple things, to think of the future as something to look forward to? The loneliness and isolation I feel has almost become like an old friend, like someone you're comfortable with. I'm in my middle fifities now and I doubt very seriously if I'll see another birthday, but that's become okay with me now and for those that think of someone who has chosen not to go on any longer as someone who is weak, don't, but think of it as stopping the pain.
Yeah, it's possible you MAY NOT have ever felt happiness! That is 100% a possibility. But let me ask you, how would it feel if the pain you're used to was suddenly and permanently gone forever? That may not be happiness, but it sure wouldn't suck, right?
I'm not telling you what to do or think, believe me I know the thoughts and feelings you're having, and I know how useless it is for people to use reason to try and argue someone out of feeling that way. In fact it can be effing annoying!
But I do hope you are willing to try the things I suggested to Chad, because you and I both know that things can't get any worse. I know it might seem pointless because just because it worked for someone else doesn't mean it's going to work for you. And that is true - everyone is different. But that means it *could* even work better, you just never know. And if it doesn't, at least you can say you tried everything you could, so that no one could ever say you were weak who knows anything about this stuff.
I congratulate you, Doug, on your ability to write such lucid commentary in your present state of depression. I, too, have been on the Depression Train, and also have looked out my window at other people, wondering how their life can be in such contrast to mine. I sincerely hope you are here for many more birthdays, and that each one gets better for you.
Have you looked at the sky lately in NJ? The sky is not as Blue as it should be. It has a gray tint to it. IMHO, its from the oil spill. I really see the sky as grayish and thats due to all the pollution over 200 years. A thicker atmosphere and darkened oceans create less blue. Its not depression its perception.
Did you even read the article?
Nobody,
There is no exclusion that prevents the delusional mentally ill from posting to the vine. It actually is helpful to see how they see things. Besides the crude jokes of tinfoil hats, these people perceive the world differently than the rest of the world and for them we are all wrong.
Interesting! I experienced this myself at the end of a long-term clinical depression. When I first started to recover, the very first change I noticed was I started to become aware of colors again. It was as if I'd been living in a gray or beige world that had suddenly started to sprout other colors. I was amazed and excited by the change. When I tell people my story of recovery, I try to explain it, but unless you've experienced it, I don't know if you can understand it.
It's true, i experience the same thing being bipolar - the world looks less colorful when i'm down, and very colorful when I'm up. Things aren't particularly gray, but the entire field of vision seems to be lower contrast. It's all in color, but everything is lower contrast and lower brightness of colors regardless of how intense the sunlight is. The contrast can be so low that I really don't notice some colors and it's like they appear out of nowhere when i come out of a depressive slump.
Some of the medication I was prescribed in the past seemed to fix the color problem, and one medication made the colors even more vibrant than normal. I don't remember if it was Abilify or something else, but I remember saying over and over, "the world is so beautiful all of a sudden, look at the colors, look at those colors!"
It's probably both.
Yes, the world looks blurred most of the time as I feel mostly out of it, like a ghost instead of real flesh and bone. Is this because everything looks hazy to me or is it because of my feelings that the world seems hazy? Anyway, my eyes hurt when the environment is too bright, like I cant bear to look at people in brightly colored attire. I like days which are clouded as everything seems soothing. Also, I like nighttime more as it is not so bright outside or inside (I use low wattage lights at home). I do see all the colors but I have a desire to see grey. I love snow covered and barren landscapes (rocky terrain). I find blizzards and Grand Canyon/desert type of places beautiful. I also hate seeing greenery. On sad days I love colors which lie between White and Black (i.e., shades of grey only, like what you will get if you keep adding black paint to white). But on happy days I like all shades between Yellow and Red. Most days it seems I am sleepwalking through life, floating around brain dead, as if I don’t exist, and my memory has become terrible. I feel I am bipolar too, but haven’t checked it out, cause I have gone beyond caring and fixing myself.
To "A believer" It's probably both! One does not exclude the other.
And if you're an American you are really depressed.
Y? I was born and raised here and not depressed at all.
When I get depressed I lose interests in things, have low energy, and am always in a bad mood.......I have the melancholic temperament....So life can seem very hard.......
Life is depressing!!
"Melancholic temperment." What a wonderful phrase, though now out dated. I've been that way all my life too. Then I started reading a little Buddism and became more centered on "doing" rather than thinking or feeling. I can do the latter two with no effort but to haul butt and get outside and just "do" things requires actual work. I sometimes have to psych myself up to it.As a result ,I no longer experience extremes of color. Looking "inward" by reading and thinking and looking "outward" by engaging the world has balanced things out. Our behavior can alter our chemistry just as our chemistry can alter our behavior. The post by A Believer815 is right in that difficult life circumstances create the worst depression because sometimes the issue is the world and not our perception of it. Is the world grey or is it just my perception? Your life may depend on knowing the difference.
I agree, i have a seasonal profession. winters hibernating life away and summers full of exhausting labor that is really gratifying and rewarding do to all the gained knowledge of new experiences and abilities. winters are very difficult for me I'm probably a seasonal bipolar sufferer. worst thing is I'm not alone with this!!! many coworkers of mine go through this same illness.
also agree that the world and its ways are a huge contributor to many common sense self educated bright people. one doesnt need a fancy degree to see alot of whats going on out there. Greed Well hell thats a whole nother topic,
Neat to have the physical phenomenon explained.
no, it has not!
Considering that color blindness is a sex-linked characteristic, having higher frequencies in men than women because of the missing set of genetic information on the Y chromosome, I'd be willing to bet that they actually have problems. If not, then there'd be a disproportional ratio of men to women in this experiment.
Yes, I too, know from the inside out, how clinical depression, once experienced, blunts perception of colors and scents and many more sensory inputs. Depression is the meanest illness to impose itself on your being. The contrast is stark when improvement continues, for me, at about 3 months, when scents, colors and arising from sleep began to have the former magnificence for me. Gray... yes, all colors appeared dulled, toward gray, not black though. The lushness of greenery in growing trees and spring growth, the sounds of music and a perfect symphony ringing in my soul... it took a solid three months to crack the density of depression to begin to appear. Once they did, they reigned...
After 6 months, I was able to taper off medication and colors, scents and auditory appreciation have been a germaine component of my well being since.
Please, readers, never think, that once experiencing a clinical depression is a sentence to eternal depression. Hasn't happened since and it has been over 15 years now... colors still look vibrant, aromas still, to my best awareness, flow though... thank God for the Family Practice Doctor who recognized my depression and convinced me to accept pharmaceutical treatment... my thanks still go out to his soul.
My husband, too, is so grateful to have his enthusiastic, energetic wife continuing as his partner!
It's always darkest just before the pitch black.
Having suffered from prolonged bouts of depression my entire adult life, I ask, who the @!$%# cares? How many millions of dollars did they waste on this stupid experiment that has done nothing to contribute to a cure, or a more effective treatment? I get sick to death of hearing about all these scientific experiments that do little or nothing more than solve some bored scientist's curiosity about something. Or is it just a way to get another government grant to live off of for a couple years?
It's people like you who depress me. The pursuit of scientific knowledge, in its most basic form, is a wonderful thing. Especially when it's solving one more piece of the complex puzzle that is the human body, it's also saddening to see someone advocate ignorance over knowledge.
As for the funds given to the experiment, universities are subsidized in Germany, so it's their governmental money at work. Unless your German, quit complaining.
Or better yet, get off this website and go to Wikipedia or some such. Enlighten yourself, your depression and cynicism might abate a little.
What if they develop color therapy to aid in the treatment of depression? Not outside the realm of possibility.
And yes, basic research into the inner workings of the brain may lead to further developments.
I kind of hold with you Cynthia. People get depressed and their bodies change. Or is it that bodies change and people get depressed? It all depends on your personal situation. No big breakthrough in this story.
The point of this study is to better understand the biological connection to depression. Seems that you don't seem to get that. One outcome of this study may be to better diagnose depression, or to find a new treatment. Wouldn't it be great if people didn't have to pop a pill to counteract depression, that maybe color exposure/treatment may hold promise.
I too have suffered from depression all my life, and don't like the way most depression drugs work, because of the side effect that it often makes it so I don't feel anything at all. I don't like that one bit. But I like the depression even less, so I take them.
I believe. After a traumatic period consisting of the death of my sister and then her son (by 2 separate drunk drivers), my mother went into severe depression. Fortunately, my doctor and I intervened and we got her the help she needed. I will never forget the day when she simply stood in the living room (after the traumas, we had done some remodeling to help miniize the memories) and said, "I didn't know you painted the room that color. And the sofa is so bright and pretty." The anti depressents had finally taken affect. She had thought the walls were a deep grey and the sofa was charcole grey. The walls were a soft linen and the sofa a tan leather. She even thought my bright red sportscar was a dark grey color. I just didn't listen. THESE ARE SIGNALS FOLKS... listen to your friends and loved ones please!
Oh, I think their retinas see the difference. The retinas just figures who cares what shade it is, because we'll all be dead soon anyway.
How optimistic of you :D
As one of the rare folk on the vine that actually works with depressed people here are a few realities. 1. It isn't caused by your mother. 2. It is genetic and runs in families. 3. Psychotherapy works for mild cases, not for severe cases. 4. All the research that you tin foil hat folk can rail against shows that psychotherapy with medication has the highest rate of cure or return to normal.
Now that the true scientific facts have been put forth I will sit back and wait for the most impaired amongst us to do the rebuttal.
not a rebuttal only to say right on the point, but wait for the idiot physiologist and mental health idiots to tackle this from their dark side, they see things in box's and bars have hope there is a GOD who is judge of all. not for idiots to read from their box's or bar's/
Nice to hear from others who share my malfunctioning brain chemistry....this is fascinating. My best to all of you ...Jeannemarie
I've been saying this for years - it's absolutely true for me when I'm feeling truly depressed. Every room, every thing looks darker. Nice to know it's not just me, but sorry that others have been through this, too!
I know one thing for myself, after looking at colorful flowers, which can be for hours or less, the imprint that it leaves in my mind and spirit is a utopia of edible love cherished brilliants, and dazziling color, that takes me into the attraction that i am eating, smelling, drinking the color at the same time, and time stands still, only you and the creators love and joy! This is what i have done for over 50yrs because of work and hobby.
John, it's possibly you're a 'synaesthete' (http://www.synaesthete.com/faq/). My mother feels happy, well and sexy if she sees and wears purple, but mauve makes her feel positively ill. I do not experience colors in this way. You seem to experience them more like she does, however, and less like I do.
The Voight-Kampff test has been invented.
Got to Run...
yes this is for the idiots to read too my be than you will stop seeing things in bar's and box's and be able to see in color like the normal people with depression,
yes the people that are judging us and telling us what to do are gonna be the ones that are going to go to jail because whatever is happening in this world right now is gonna be the opposite way when god comes down to judge everyone!
#19.1 is from Megan Rehbein
Oddly enough...
I was situationally depressed following a long period of hospitalization, and took Prozac for it. After release from the hospital and from the situation, I was able to wean off the Prozac. I didn't like the way it made me not-feel: I didn't feel sad, but I didn't feel happy either. I didn't feel anything. Weaned away from it, I've always said, "I could feel things in color again." But quite possibly, the whole 'color' thing was more true than I knew.
Cynthia, if you really are depressed, please do try to get help. And if your current doctor or current medication is not working for you, try another.
I was depressed. I felt like my soul was dying. Tried a couple of different meds, felt like well, this is just the way I am. Then I moved so went to another doc who put me on something different. After only 4 days, I remember waking up at night and feeling totally different. My wonderful husband who had been living with this shadow person woke up and said (probably fearing another panic attack or emotional crisis) "What? What's wrong?" I turned to him and said in utter wonderment "I'm back!"
Please do not give up. Life can be worthwhile and it is possible to go through life's difficulties with a positive outlook.
I wonder if that explains why I love taking pictures of bright, colorful flowers . . .
Do people who suffer long-term clinical depression (tens of years) ever get better?
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder at age 20. I spent 8-9 months in therapy and tried several different medications, with no improvement. Walked away from treatment and picked up a drinking habit. Now 35 and just waiting for life to be over with.
Chad - you may not get better. But that doesn't mean life can't get better. I'm 36 and was diagnosed a few years earlier than you. I have some family history of similar things, but also experiential causes.
Exercise and good nutrition have been the 2 things that have helped the most. I take liquid vitamins (Source of Life, which has way more Vitamin Bs and things like that than even energy drinks), and I try to eat nothing but lean meats, fresh vegetables, beans/legumes and healthy fats. Additionally I have found supplementing with fish oil/Omega-3s to be a HUGE help to my general mood, but I know the science is still iffy on that. Alcohol can help some people, if their depression has an anxiety component and they do not abuse it, but I'm guessing you have taken it a bit farther than is good for you. I'm not telling you to stop, but you might try to cut back some so you can focus on adding these other habits to your lifestyle. Then at some point you might not need the drinking habit as much, and you'll have choice about it.
Does this mean you'll ever be super happy, or skip around like other people who seem happy all the time? Probably not; that's not how it works for me. But life can be better, and as long as it can keep getting better, you never know how good it might get one day. Even if I only sometimes really believe this, the possibility exists, and I have to acknowledge that my skepticism is partially a result of the depression itself; it's not a logical necessity that I can never be happy, even if it seems that way a lot of the time. So as long as it's theoretically possible, and as long as I can experience life a little better today than 6 months ago, I figure it's at least worth trudging along, because I've dealt with this for 20 years and life sure as hell can't get any worse than it has been in the past, and I lived through that.
Peace to you brother.
I had this experience for 2 1/2 years at a job I hated. The weird thing was that the effect of gray only happened while I was working in that building, I never noticed it anywhere else. They should test to see if "selective gray" exists.
I can't remember what happiness feels like and I often questioned whether or not I have ever really felt it. I've struggled with major depression for so long now that life itself has become almost a lesson in futility. When I first sat down to write this post I was questioning, as I do every day, what the sense is in continuing on with life. I feel trapped between not wanting to hurt my family once again and ending the pain. I have failed at so many things in my life so it shouldn't come as any big surprise to me that I will most likely fail at life itself. For those who may not suffer with depression it would be difficult for you to understand how anyone would consider suicide, but if you thought of it as a way to end the pain that has gone on forever maybe it wouldn't be such an unthinkable solution. There was a time when I thought that maybe I could continue on, that maybe looking forward to things in life again would be the answer. Now even those things don't provide any reason to keep going on. I've tried so many different medications over the years that haven't helped. At times I'll sit and look out the window and watch people and wonder what makes them happy, what gives them a reason to keep going, or how they can seem so happy when all I feel is this pain? God, I wish I could explain these feelings, I wonder if people know how lucky they are in being able to laugh and smile, to find joy in even the most simple things, to think of the future as something to look forward to? The loneliness and isolation I feel has almost become like an old friend, like someone you're comfortable with. I'm in my middle fifities now and I doubt very seriously if I'll see another birthday, but that's become okay with me now and for those that think of someone who has chosen not to go on any longer as someone who is weak, don't, but think of it as stopping the pain.
Doug - see my post above to Chad.
Yeah, it's possible you MAY NOT have ever felt happiness! That is 100% a possibility. But let me ask you, how would it feel if the pain you're used to was suddenly and permanently gone forever? That may not be happiness, but it sure wouldn't suck, right?
I'm not telling you what to do or think, believe me I know the thoughts and feelings you're having, and I know how useless it is for people to use reason to try and argue someone out of feeling that way. In fact it can be effing annoying!
But I do hope you are willing to try the things I suggested to Chad, because you and I both know that things can't get any worse. I know it might seem pointless because just because it worked for someone else doesn't mean it's going to work for you. And that is true - everyone is different. But that means it *could* even work better, you just never know. And if it doesn't, at least you can say you tried everything you could, so that no one could ever say you were weak who knows anything about this stuff.
Good luck man.
I congratulate you, Doug, on your ability to write such lucid commentary in your present state of depression. I, too, have been on the Depression Train, and also have looked out my window at other people, wondering how their life can be in such contrast to mine. I sincerely hope you are here for many more birthdays, and that each one gets better for you.