Exactly....Just a bunch of pansy asses. No wonder America is loosing it's competitiveness in the world. It's just a matter of time before India and China take over.

I don't think calling any group a name is helping.

India and China are runnning away from where we seem to be goinng. That is all te standardized testing and all of that. We can not prepare our children for tomorrow by using styles of teaching that were from the last generation. We must prepare them for their future, not our past.

parents do their kids no favors by doing EVERYTHING for them and with them. The kids grow up not knowing how to organize their lives and figure things out. The moment something goes wrong, they freak out and cry or throw fits because they don't know what to do.

I'm very okay with letting my kids fall on their butts. Funny, never once did they suffer much and they usually came out of it stronger than before. I HATE those damn play dates. They're too damn organized. Just let the kids play and do their own thing....no need to organize their every event. It's okay if they get dirty and it's even okay if they get an occasional boo-boo, no need to require a full report leading up to the incident. It's okay if they squabble....let them figure out how to come to an understanding among each other. It'll hone their problem solving skills for later on in life.

@JohnDom

Before you make snarky comments about someone else's lack of education, check your own writing.

Incorrect: it's competitiveness
Correct: its competitiveness

it's = it is
its = possessive

Who writes this tripe? Who decided it was really news? Why did I even read this crap???

Rob, apparently you're unaware about the kind of fawning Chinese teenagers receive from their parents, being only children and all.

John Dorn----------- Jeez, just go away. On my 17th birthday, I entered the Marine Corp Boot Camp at San Diego, Ca.
Fell free to be an a$$, if you, like be polite enough to keep it to yourself.

Me thinks that JohnDom is a flaming liberal.

Both of my sons went off to college and became self suffient upon graduation 4 years later. They were well prepared and knew the value of an education. They both went on to get post graduate degrees while they were working and supporting themselves. One became a software engineer, the other became an attorney. It can be done but the preparation for success begins in grade school.

Carlos said this:

It's tougher these days because people are spoiled and too used to a Nanny State and have been coddled their whole life. They got trophies for just being on a team and not for accomplishing something. This is what the country has come to - no longer hard-working self reliant people but emotionally crippled dependents of the state (or someone else)

Carlos obviously doesn't know jack about anything other than his own little pre-existing rant about "nanny states."

Modern campuses are very, very, very expensive. They tack fees upon fees, most of the absolute jokes, to jack up the prices. This money is used to pay the salaries of administrators who do little more than talk to the media--as in this particular article--and give "classes" to parents and freshman about "how to succeed" among other stupid wastes of money and time.

Are you seriously telling parents who are spending $20K (and that's a low figure) per year for something that they should just sit back and let the "professionals" take over?

Let me tell you about the "professionals" on my daughter's campus. She was in engineering--the engineering professors put the girls, one each, in groups with the little boys--many of whom have Asperger's syndrome and do not like girls. The group project is worth most of the class grade. The boys set the meetings up so that they meet from 8PM until midnight or 1AM. Do you want to be the 18-year-old girl walking across a notoriously crime-ridden campus after midnight, after the "Safewalk" program has shut down for the night? Try being the "helicopter" parent who complains that the little boys through this, and a variety of other means, force the girls right out of the program with the cooperation of the professors. Will they listen--no, all they hear is "lawsuit" and they do all they can to push your child out even more quickly.

So, you send the kid to the honors program advisors to figure out what other program she should be in because she was manuevered into a "D" which threatens her scholarship. Well, the honors program sends her to engineering, who sends her to the admissions people, who send her to the advisors who aren't available, so that the secretary sends her to chair of the program who is on leave, whose secretary sends her to . . . . eventually, you tell your by-now-nearly-suicidal child to go to the counseling center to find someone kind to talk to. They refuse to make an appointment and tell her that she needs to go to Career Services.

The modern college campus is a bureaucracy that is set up to make students fail so that the school can gather more and more funds from the parents (funds which mostly fund the salaries of people whose job it is to "help" everyone--"help" they wouldn't need if people had done their jobs the first time). No, it isn't a "badge of honor" if students fail a college now--because a student who drops out isn't giving them money any more. No, they want the children to be stuck there for years--siphoning off mom and dad's money, and when that runs dry, showing the child how to apply for government loans that will cripple them for life.

The word "helicopter parent" was invented by administrators who want to bleed the parents wallets dry without having to actually deal with parents. My advice for people is to NOT send your child away to a college when s/he is 18. Keep the kid nearby at a community college, where the staff actually will care about them. If they fail, there will be staff that actually gives a flying flip--because community colleges do not cost a lot of money, and so the kind of vultures who will devour your wallet don't tend to light there. Let the kid learn a few lessons about how to succeed in college and on their own for a lot fewer $$$$, and then send him/her off to a university when s/he is a lot more hardened.

Or, conversely, have the kid take a year off after high school and get a job. The kid will then be learning life skills and responsibility while living on his/her own dime, and will go off to college a lot more hardened. Or, better yet, have your kid go to a technology center while s/he is still in high school (many states pay the tuition) and get an associate's degree for free. Then, s/he will have a marketable skill with which s/he can put him/herself through school on--with some help from you, but no loan money. Again, a student who is putting him/herself through school will be a lot less easy for administrators to sucker.

Universities are now a Byzantine bureaucracy with very little interest in actually educating students. Smart parents know this. Universities who want parents to just go away so that they can more effectively cheat students and parents of money should get a clue that parents have long since gotten wise.

Don't send your 18-year-old to a university alone unless you like wasting money.

Oh Good Grief! I sent one daughter to University of Colorado and the other to the University of Arkansas. Not sure what all you people are talking about, but the experience has been great at both places, no doom and gloom and they both seem to be getting good educations. I helped them get their belongings to school then they were on their own. Unless the kid is a total loser, they should be able to handle orientation by themselves.

Hmmph the Chinese people where I live keep their children at home when possible all through college and beyond then buy them their first house when they get married. Try competing with that.

Rob-San Diego

Exactly....Just a bunch of pansy asses. No wonder America is loosing it's competitiveness in the world. It's just a matter of time before India and China take over.

China's had the "one-child" policy now for two generations. "Pampered Princes" are very common, as there are two parents and four grandparents making sure the boy doesn't hurt his pinkies. Six adults who are depending on the kid to do good. The kid is doomed, as is his country, when it's time for him to get a wife and create the next generation who is destined to take care of him and his parents in their old age. Many single women in China do not want to be the household drudges that their grandmothers were and would rather stay single. They, too, were raised in the "single child" status, and have most likely had art lessons, etc. Also, there is such a shortage of women that they can demand whatever they want out of a marriage.

In short, China is growing its own set of "pansy asses."

I thought this was a posting for how we, as parents, felt taking our child to college. Anyway, I was sad because I would no longer have kids running around my home bringing life to it. Proud, because our son is the first to go to college in our family. Excited, for his future.

Thank you for answering the question! We're taking our son to college next week. I'm nervous and excited, and can't really believe it's time for this already. It seems now that the time has gone by so fast. I just have to take this day by day.

My son graduated from HS in 2009, my daughter just graduated a year ahead of her class so left for college a couple of weeks ago.

I thought I would have a hard time with it but my hubby is having a hard time with our barely 17 year old daughter leaving home to the point he wants to rent a condo near her school so we can see her on week-ends. (TEEHEEE, I shouldn't laugh bit he likes to think he's a tough guy.)

Both kids are within 2 hours of home so I am ok. I wouldn't be ok if they were an airplane ride away.

This time next year, our third and last kid will head off to college, just like her siblings before did. This kid has epilepsy, it is somewhat controlled by new meds, but only since this past April, so only four months of living as a normal kid. She MUST go away to school, how would she ever learn to use public transportation elsewise? We live in an area that has no public transportation, and for a kid who can never drive, that's an issue. She is simply the most positive, forward-looking kid I know, and she has been through he!! and back this past year, and she is still standing. I can't wait to load her into her dorm room and give her a big hug and wave goodbye. No tears, unless it is from pride.

Aren't these kids embarrassed by their total dependency on these helicopter parents? I flew off to college 1,000 miles away by myself. Feeling liberated for the first time in my life, it was one of the greatest days of my life. I actually feel sorry for these kids. I don't know how they're ever going to make it in a world that seems to get tougher every day.

It angers me to hear about these articles because I like much of my generation am going through college, and when I look around the majority of my peers are doing what I'm doing: Working as many hours as we can at our jobs, going to school (which at this point IS a full time postition), budgeting groceries, and enjoying it as much as we can. It frustrates me when articles like this paint my generation as lazy and dependant.

I believe you are not lazy and spoiled because I watched my 16 year old daughter work her butt off so she could graduate early. She saved her money and had a job set up before she got to school.

People who claim your generation is lazy are really speaking of themselves and their own children.

WORD!

American students have packed up and gone to college for centuries. Parents have to stop coddling the kids and setting up their dorm rooms as if they're going to Antarctica and never coming home. If they need band-aids, they should know well before they're 18 that supermarkets and drug stores sell them. They should also have been taught the differences between Ibuprofen, Tylenol, and aspirin and when/how to use them, how to write a check/balance a checkbook, responsibly use a credit card, use common sense. If they don't know any of those things (and more), a parent hasn't fulfilled his/her obligation.

Once our kids are in college, it's too late to continue the toddler hand-holding. Teaching and advising, etc., should have started from their first breath. Don't spoil their actual first steps into adulthood by stifling them.

By the way .... I still have one in college. It was hard to "let go," but it's been a great source of pride for me to see him successfully manage on his own. When he asks for advice, I give it. Sometimes, I can't help it and give advice and get the "Back off" eye.

For him, the realization that "Wow, I can really do this by myself!" has been awesome.

And for me, that was my goal from his first breath.

NJ Person: My kind of parent. We were there to move her things in her freshman year to her dorm. After that we took a bed when she moved into an apartment. Other than that she managed quite well without us. She is a very capable person, mother and wife at age 41. Don't get me wrong, we would have helped her out whenever she asked. She didn't ask, we didn't bug her. Funny how that worked out. Don't molly-coddle in the first place. Jeez !

I'm not sure if you guys understand this but the article was aimed at parents who are having difficulty letting children go, it didn't mean to imply that today's students are any less capable of taking care of themselves than previous generations. As a college student myself, I was definetly surprised to find that there were students who didn't wash dishes or were unable to do their own laundry (I've been doing my own since I was 11 years old), but I can definetly say that this was in the minority and our entire generation shouldn't be judged by a few helicopter parents and few students who can't survive independance.

When my daughter went off to college, I asked her if she wanted help unpacking or making the bed, and she said, "no, I'll be fine." I could tell she wanted to embark on her own adventure. So I gave her a hug and left her there. It wasn't so hard to send my children off to the city, or college. However, I have to laugh. I have an 18 year old grandson now, that is getting ready to sign up for the Army. He is hoping to make a career of it. but I am having a hard time thinking that he is actually old enough to join the Army. He's still my little baby. I guess its easier to let your children go than it is your grandchildren. Even tho I know he will be just fine.

@JohnDom

Before you make snarky comments about someone else's lack of education, check your own writing.

Incorrect: it's competitiveness
Correct: its competitiveness

it's = it is
its = possessive

@Bluemist

"Its" is a possessive pronoun, meaning "belonging to it." The confusion arises because if you don't substitute the pronoun "it" for the noun, an apostrophe is used. For example, the bone belonging to the dog is "the dog's bone." The eraser on the pencil is "the pencil's eraser." Both examples use an apostrophe plus an "s" in order to attribute ownership

The way he used it is incorrect but your correction was incorrect.

This has to do with ACTUAL coddling, by actual parents, and you just sound ridiculous when you attempt to turn this into some kind of political issue. I haven't been coddled by anyone in decades, and especially not by the government. And neither has anyone else that I know of.

I think we may have had it easier back in the day when our parents all but totally ignored us. I don't really think circumstances for kids are worse now, overall, than we had it back in the 60s and 70s; for every aspect in their lives that has gotten more difficult, some other area has dramatically improved. But these coddling parents must be almost unbearable. To the extent that kids can't function on their own without their parents around, there is no one to blame BUT the parents involved. I suspect most of these kids could operate just fine if only their stupid parents would give them half a chance. Kids are going to make mistakes; let them and they will be better off for it.

If your kids end up making horrible mistakes in judgment as young adults, you should have done a better job when they were younger. Maybe you should have backed off a bit, and let them develop their own judgment while they were still living under the safety of your roof. If they still need your micromanagement by the time they are old enough to attend college, then you, as a parent, have ALREADY failed them. Staying intimately involved in their college lives, too, would just be continuing your old inadequate ways. You might consider that your kids would be better off without any more of your "help". Seriously.

Dear Bean@home,

I clearly have much more experience at this than you do. I have put my five children through college (3 male, 2 female) and they are all successful because THEY managed their lives not me. In retirement I teach at a local college and see this crap all the time. I think your one datapoint is not sufficient to accurately describe what the majority of the cases are. If you read the other posts here you'll see you're in the minority and that coddling students is a real problem.

I think it's time for your buddy Beck to do his daily dog and pony show. You should probably leave now.

You're kidding, right? It's the people who go to college who DON'T have to rely on government assistance. It's the people who DON'T go to college that drag down the country.

Bean@home- I think the point that most people are trying to make can be demonstrated by your statement: "So, you send the kid to the honors program advisors to figure out..."

You shouldn't have to send your kid anywhere once they have established themself as a college student. An 18-19 year old student with a concern about their education should have the initiative to figure out what to do about it themselves. Asking for parental advice and emotional support is one thing, but at this point the student is an adult and does not need to be explicitly told what to do to help him/herself out of a difficult situation.

C'mon give it up....what college was this?

Most likely somewhere in the deep South, I'd wager.

JKLD: Why would you think that?

I'm from the upper part of the south (born and raised) and it's not that much of a stretch to figure it out. And I'm 55, btw.

JKLD. . .you sir are an idiot for your comment.

wth kind of college is your kid going to? and if, and most likely when, that happens to him when he's 25 or 35 or 50, are you going to come to the rescue again? He has to learn to handle all situations, even the bad ones.

$40.00 a year? Pulled a knife? Bullied about religion? Hell, that college must be in Nigeria!

Disgusted with heartless - your parents should come to your rescue when someone pulls a knife on you, regardless of how old you are. If they don't, you may as well be an orphan.

Seriously? So if my 24 year old son, who lives two hours away from me, has a knife pulled on him (but isn't injured), I should drop everything and run to his "rescue"? I think not. gia, I hope you don't have children - if you do, I feel sorry for them.

The college in question is not in the south. It is a very well known school with many good professors and small classes. The strange thing was that the kids who did this to my son all admitted to it and didn't see anything wrong with it. They, I believe are the children of parents who believe that their kids can do no wrong. I let my son decide whether or not to return to the school. He decided that it was not in his best interests as he wanted to change his major to something not available there. He is lliving at home because the school he switched to is nearby and so that he could get a job in his new field right away. And I do believe that his feels safer. My other child has learned from what has happened and is being cautiious in his college choices.

I do not blame pibs one bit. We are living in a different and much more dangerous world today, and young people away from home for the first time can be intimidated by the professors, the university system, and bullies among the students. I also agree with the gentleman who described how universities use more or less the "bait and switch" modus operandi to frustrate students while bleeding more money out of their parents. My own son has had this problem at his university, and his father and I do wish he would just give it up and settle for a community college close to home.

pibs, I guess I'd like to hear the rest of the story, because what you've mentioned so far just isn't very believable. It sounds fictional, or perhaps "sanitized", or maybe you don't really know what happened at all. If I'm wrong about any of that, I apologize, but I'm just calling it like I see it.

It does seem unbellievable but my husband and I spoke with two deans and the security chief (they called us) and verified the enitre situation. They also had pictures of the knife the kid used. And there were witnesses. You were not there and so you can't call it like you see it. We also met with these deans and the security chief at the end of the year to figure out what to do. They again verified the entire situation. We let our son decide what to do and he did what he felt was best for him at that time.

Yep, I've had similar experiences. Parents who provide overbearing 'Love' couched in terms of unconditional love more often teach their kids that they are the center of it all to the exclusion of the rights/needs of others or the assumption of individual responsibility. And if the Parents do try to instill a working value system in their children the other influences (Schools, peer groups, Media) are hard at work undoing it all.

It will be interesting to see where this all ends up - After all there is bound to be a big problem when everyone thinks they can have everything and that if they cannot get it on their own it is 'Owed' to them by the simple fact of their being so special and deserving.

My oldest sister and her husband put their three daughters through college, supporting them the entire time, even going so far as to move to the same city after the last one left for school. It ruined them financially...they had to declare bankruptcy to get out from under the crushing debt three educations left them in. My nieces are all very successful and married to successful spouses and have any one of them offered to help their parents out? No. I'm ashamed of them and how spoiled they are.

And whose fault is it that the daughters are so spoiled? If you spend your entire life being taught that the universe revolves around you, why would you change when you become an adult? Besides, it isn't the job of the children to take care of the parents financially. If they choose to do so, well and good - but it shouldn't be an obligation. Also, I'm sure your sister and her husband had options as to where to send their daughters to school, and could have chosen ones that were less expensive, or that offered more financial aid. No one should go broke just to send their children to college.

Speaker2: Yes, Carmen does know what she is talking about.

Then, as they say, since you have no dog in this fight, you very much don't know what you're talking about. Carmen is VERY MUCH right. The whole aim is when you have them, you love them, you raise them to be a responsible, productive human being, and then you set them on their way with those values. Once they're an adult, they're responsible for their choices AND for the consequences. We're there for guidance and help (in an extreme) but the kid has to get him(her)self out the jams they put themselves into.

I know! I had to stop and re-read that line again too.

I totally agree with you! What in God's name has been doing for the last 10 years? Mommy and Daddy letting her sit on her proverbial butt doing nothing?

No wonder she had no skills. Jeez! I taught my daughter how to do her laundry in the 4th grade and made her responsible for it. If she didn't have clean clothes and started to whine, it wasn't my problem. It was hers and hers alone.

Agreed JKLD: My parents raised my brother and I the same way!

My children started packing their own lunches (with certain dietary requirements) and had light household cleaning duties in elementary school, started helping with family meals and doing laundry in 7th grade, and had checking accounts and jobs in high school. We wanted to make sure that when they left for college, we ALL knew that they could take care of themselves. Yes, it is definitely easier to do it yourself and not have to ask/remind over and over again that they do their chores, but our job as parents is teach our children to be independant, responsible and kind human beings.

Yes I had to read that line twice as well. I can remember when my now 26 year old oldest child left for college - was it hard to say good bye of course it was. But it was exciting because he was ready for his next step. Parenting is about the children you raise, not yourself. I was sad and a little lost for a week or so, but then realized that both my husband and I are firstborns and we had never been left behind before - once that occured to us, we were better. It's a big transition but so is getting married and having children, or moving to another city or changing careers. No one is every perfectly prepared for it, but we are prepared. Starting chores and a learning how to write a check 3 months before departure does not preparation make! Yikes.

Damn right. If you truely love your kid, you'd work with them (not for them) to learn the very basic life skills so they can survive once they leave the nest. When doing laundry, my kids are their sorting colors and they take turns adding the detergents and setting the machine temps. They also fold the laundry after they dry them. My 11 year old will sometimes make breakfast on Sat mornings. That girl can make a great omelet if you ask me....now the coffee can be rather strong but. Whew! E for effort though.

If I'm in bed sick, they're perfectly able take care of themselves for the most part...they even bring me soup, toast and tea. They're not even teens yet. How can anyone not want their kids to develop independency? I think they're even happier then those who can't even tie their own shoes.

I learned it takes less time to teach them how to do for themselves then to constantly have to do everything for them every single day.

I had to read that twice also. Geez, talk about a pampered kid. Both of mine knew all about the washing machine by the time they were 10 or 11..

Just took my youngest daughter to Michigan State last weekend. Took all of 4 hours, including lunch, to get her settled in.

Gave her a hug and off I went realizing my little girl has turned into a fine young adult.

She'll be fine and East Lansing is less than 100 miles from my home.

she might not have had chores but I bet my left kidney that she demanded an allowance every week! I started my kids at 4 doing little things for themselves, and at 12 I explained to them that I am not the maid, and they have to pull their own weight around the house. I was not about to kill myself making them the center of my world. I have one more left (he's 14) and I cannot wait until he is in college so I can get busy living. I don't worry about him or the others because I taught them how to survive, and thrive in this world. What did they teach her?

I must be a drill sargent then. Both my children have chores. My son who is a month shy of 6 does the dishes and both him and his sister, who is 2 1/2, unload the dishwasher. They put their dirty clothes in the hamper and help me with laundry. My son also is responsible for feeding our dog and cleaning his room.

We are your typical middle class family, my family was a lower end middle class family and we were also expected to help around the house. In my expierience it has been the more well off kids who were expected to have everything handed to them.

My gosh if parents are raising their children to not even be able to do laundry and load a dishwasher or write a check at 18, no wonder this country is so messed up.

Over this past summer, she took on household duties — doing laundry, loading the dishwasher, learning how to write a check — to help prepare her for that real world she's anticipating.

When mine were able to reach into the washer machine, that's when I got them doing their own laundry. They got their checking accounts when they got their first jobs. When times were good, they got an allowance. When not, nada. They were raised knowing that they were expected to go to college. That's where all three of them are. Now my husband and I are going onto the next phase of our lives, which does include cheering for my college (which none of my kids are attending) and cleaning out the house of all my unfinished projects from the past two decades.

Disgusted with Heartless

You are, without a doubt, a contender for "Mother of the Year".

Be truthful now; you don't worry about about your children?

"I was not about to kill myself making them the center of my world. I have one more left (he's 14) and I cannot wait until he is in college so I can get busy living."

Disgusted with Heartless,

All I can say is .. Wow! Its good that you taught your children self reliance, and I agree to that, but wow you sound like you have no loving connection with your children at all

I have three kids. The oldest, who is 10, has been doing his own laundry since he was eight. He also cooks dinner one night a week-he makes a mean spaghetti and meatballs. His younger brother, who is 8, is learning to do his own laundry and helps make dinner one night a week-his specialty is homemade baked chicken nuggets. They both clean their bathroom, bedroom and help around the house. They mow the lawn when their father is deployed. They are in charge of taking care of the dog. They will be self-sufficent, and won't be eating frozen pizza and ramen noodles when they leave my home.

The other kiddo? Well, that's the baby sister, who at 2, has her own 'chores'. She picks up her toys and helps Momma fold the clothes and put them away.

Why is it always the mother's fault? What about your father?

Well maybe us "spoiled kids" would do chores if we had the time. On an ordinary day, I have school until 4:15, cheer practice until 6, and 2+ hours of homework. We work hard, belive it or not. Ya'll are all freaking out about how we won't be prepared for college. Well, most of what a teenager does these days is to prepare them for college. Heck, I'm in 8TH GRADE and already preparing for college. So either give us a "healthy upbringing" or an education, because you can only pick one these days.

heartless seems a little heartless. You shouldn't of ever had kids if that's how you feel. Jacka$$

"not about to kill myself making them the center of my world. I have one more left (he's 14) and I cannot wait until he is in college so I can get busy living"

This line shocked me too. It also irritated me. When I was about 7yrs old, my mom started telling me that the day I turned 18, I had better be in college or have a job (or both). If not, she planned to pack my bags, set them on the porch, change the locks and leave me a card that said "Happy Birthday, Get out!" My dad spent 22yrs in the military to provide for his family, this often took him away for long periods of time. My mom often worked two jobs and went to school while raising a child with physicial disabilities. My parents did not have time to coddle me and knew that no one else would either.

By the time I was 7, I got myself up for school, fixed my own breakfast, packed my own lunch, etc. Doing my homework was MY responsibility, my parents didn't hover and go over my work and make sure it was perfect. I had chores everyday. By the time I was 15, the housekeeping was my responsibilty. I had a job and a savings account at 16. I had a hand-me-down car and paid my own insurance, gas, and repairs.

When it came time for college, my dad helped me pack my car and off I went. I unpacked alone, registered for classes alone, got my ID card, parking sticker, etc alone. I couldn't believe all the arrogant kids in their Abercrombie and Fitch clothes (it was a private Baptist college) who had to ask their mommies to help them because they didn't know their own SSN!

Now, I have a Master's degree and a job as a social worker. I spend my day trying to help people who have never learned to help themselves. I see people whose parents were either completely checked out or involved to the nth degree in their children's lives. I see people who feel entitled to be supported by the govt. and to have as many children as they want with no means to support them. I see people who have a complete lack of problem-solving or coping skills. I see people with brand-name clothes, expensive tattoos, and the newest iphone telling me how they can't afford food and rent. I spent 18 months working in a Neonatal ICU. At any given time, 20% of the infants in the unit had parents who had CPS cases. It was a treat for me to meet families where mom and dad were married, someone had a job, there was health insurance (not Medicaid), and parents had a carseat and clothes! I once spoke to a woman who had given birth to 14 children. One died of a heart defect and the other thirteen (including the one she had in the NICU), were ALL removed from her custody because she was a drug addict. When I asked her about her drug use, she told me, "Why you gotta get all in my bi'ness? Why you gotta go callin' the CPS? It ain't my fault I can't stay clean." I think the only thing that kept me from slapping her was that I was in shock. That is only one of hundreds of stories I could tell.

Growing up, I thought my parents were mean and harsh. I was jealous of my peers and the things their parents did for them and gave them. Today, I am incredibly grateful to my parents for raising me to be independent and responsible. Today, I see my peers struggle with their finances and employment (and it's not just because of the crummy economy). as well as their relationships.

Me too. My children were doing their own laundry on weekends when they were 8 or 9. Cooking in the microwave at that age too. cooking supper once a week before 12. My children had checking accounts opened when they got their first jobs. Of course, they are now 35 and 37, married, have their own families, homes, jobs, etc. but I would not have worried about them at 17, leaving the nest.

I guess its like kindergarten. Some Mothers are tearing up. I was always pleased for them that they would be meeting people and learning things. I never felt lonely when they were at school. And my children didn't cry for me. They walked right in to class. I think its a bunch of steps we go through to ensure our children are independent and able to take care of themselves.

"she took on household duties.. loading the dishwasher ..."

huh??

To Abby the Awesome, my we must have a lot of self esteem to choose such a screen name at your young age.

You state that So either give us a "healthy upbringing" or an education, because you can only pick one these days.

And that you have school until 4:15 (where do you go to school that classes are held until so late?) and then cheer practice until 6 and 2+ hours of homework per night. So you're saying that you have no time to help around the house and learn how to cook, clean, etc. to be a participant in the family, and that what you are doing is what will help you in college and that both can't be done. That we as parents have to choose one or the other. Well, you're a spoiled brat and you are in for a very rude awakening when you get to college.

My daughter is a junior this year, she takes AP and honor's classes. AP classes so she can get some of her college credit out of the way and with these classes she has a tremendous homework load and has had for the past several years. She is also a member of her school's colorguard, so like your cheer practices she has practice and games/competitions several times a week that go until 9at night or later. She's also a member of the French and German club and a few others. So her plate is full and then some, just like yours and maybe even more so. Oh forgot to mention flute, that needs to be practiced everyday also.

BUT on the nights that she's home making dinner is her responsibility as is the kitchen. She sorts the laundry but I do the actual washing, she puts everything away. She's also of course responsible for her room. But she does know how to use the washer and dryer, oh and we have no dishwasher so everything is done by hand. I will admit that this year I will have to teach her how to use the laundry mat, explanation in a minute.

During the summers she tours with a drum corps as a member of the colorguard. She practices in the sun 5-6 days a week 8hrs a day when they're not traveling. When she's home, after practice she cooks dinner cleans up and then practices a couple more hours. And this past summer she had homework for 2 classes that didn't start until the school year, but because they're AP classes she had a ton of homework. Lots of reading on those long bus rides. If next year she moves up to a different corps she will be home a total of 4 days for the summer, hence the need to learn to use the laundry mat, but it's a skill all children should be taught as this is how it's done at most colleges.

So it is possible to teach a child both, basic living skills and give them a proper education. It seems as if your priorities might be a bit skewed. At the rate you're going you will not be prepared for college. College is not just about academics it's about life and living and coping on your own without your parents overseeing everything, without them there to cook your meals, wash your clothes and pay your bills and budget your time and money. So the parents who do not teach and allow their children to do both are doing them and society a great disservice.

I know in 2 short years when my daughter goes off to college that it will be difficult, but only because I'll miss her company. But I know she'll be as prepared as possible, academicaly and life-wise. But I'll always be around to help if the true need arises. And parents especially those of young women, teach them how to protect themselves, to stand up for themselves and to not take unneccessary risks, and don't forget to pack the pepper spray!

AMEN to that. Unfortunately, when these kids do graduate, the working world has to contend with the problems the parents created.

Damn right!

Agreed. I'm not that far removed from college age kids today (I grew up in the eighties) but the differences between parenting in the decade I was raised and the following decade are amazing. My mother was a great parent, but the way I was raised just two decades ago would be seen as poor parenting nowadays. I went back to school and finished my degree in my late 20's, and couln't relate at all to anyone in my classes....it was like we were from two different planets, even though many of my classmates were only about 8 years younger than me. I had more in common with my professors, many of whom were 20-40 years older than me.

The farflung nuclear family has seen its day as many 20+ cannot afford to move away. Asians always knew this was a mistake and gained wealth and stability by not being too splintered.

Uh, it's called GET A ROOMMATE and SHARE EXPENSES. A 20something moving out into an apartment by themselves is a expensive in this day and time, but is it so beheath them to get a 3-bedroom and 2 roommates to split that $1000/ month rent 3 ways?

Please! These kids have no business moving back to mommy and daddy.

If you didn't have something to do FOR YOU to begin with, before you dropped them off, you've got a bigger problem than you know.

She did have something. She was being a good mother.

There's being a good mother and then there's losing your total identity. You can be a good mother by showing your child that they are NOT the center of your world but part of it. You show them that they are NOT your only goal in life, thereby showing them that life is full of parts, not only 1 thing. To ONLY have your kid and nothing else in your life is pathetic. No wonder kids of these people are screwed up.

JKLD, when someone has children, they MUST become the center of their world, and their needs MUST always be put first. Otherwise these people shouldn't breed. I agree that one should have other interests, hobbies, activities than just raising their children, but those hobbies should never get in the way of being a parent.

The fact that you are bashing this woman is the pathetic thing, not her. When someone is a responsible parent children should and do take up a large part of one's time - and when they're no longer around, parents find themselves with free time to spare. Looking for a way to fill that free time doesn't imply that had nothing else to do to begin with.

A child/children does not nor should not define you as a person. I love my child, but having her has never been my total identity, nor should it EVER be. When you allow your own life to be totally taken over by someone else, you have only yourself to blame. I am her mother, I am NOT now, nor ever will be, her friend. She is part of me, she is NOT nor ever was my whole world or whole being.

To focus your attention solely on the child, without paying attention and taking care of your own needs, is dangerous and determental to your own well being. And it does absolutely no good for the child because they learn no self reliance.

Bashing? No. Just pointing out the obvious. When you have no life but your kids, you do them no good at all and teach them nothing but that you are a doormat.

Thank you for answering the question! Being a mother is a wonderful privilege and your kids are lucky to have had you. I think it's great that you enjoyed and immersed yourself in being a mom. Good luck exploring yourself in this new stage of your life! Boy people are sure mean and critical of each other here.

You only have a small window of opportunity to teach your children the skills they need to be independent and able to function successfully in society. 18 years is not a long time. I used every opportunity to teach my daughter a life's lesson. I didn't know how I was going to give her everything she would need to thrive in the world, in only eighteen years. My daughter has a disadvantage too, she has significant LD, but I didn't allow her to use them as an excuse not to do the very best she was capable of doing. When I knew she was capable of taking on higher level responsibilities, I added them to her daily routine. I have the sole responsibility as a parent to give my child every tool possible to succeed in life. If I didn't allow my daughter to struggle, she would have only became more dependant on my husband and me. I wasn't having her not be the best she could be. There were many days that I wanted to rescue my daughter, from a very harsh and unkind world, but I refused. I always let her fall yet, I was also there to encourage, love, and support her . ALWAYS! I see too many parents today, not being a part of their children's lives...not preparing them for life and it's adversities. It's sad because the child is the one who will not be able to tap into their potentials because they weren't given the confidence to believe in themselves. From day one, my daughter understood she had to work three times as hard as the majority of her friends, but after she got tired of whining, she learned how to use her strengths to make her stronger. You rob a child of their struggles they become to weak to survive the world. I honestly don"t see a lot of parents ...parenting. They are too busy worrying about themselves and getting what they need to be happy. I am not saying that parent shouldn't have their own life and interest but, during a childs formative years, a parent must be emotionally and physically available to their childen.

Today, my daughter is in her third year of college and she is not only succeeding in her academics, she is involved with helping others. Because we didn't rob our daughter of her struggle, she is able to be less selfish and self-centered. Letting go was a lot easier for both of us because we did what we were suppoose to do ...when we were suppose to do it. Did I miss her for awhile when she left...u bet, but my husband I am sure knew what to do when she was gone.

I remember on Saturdays we had to get up early and clean the entire house, inside and out, before we can even think of going out with our friends or doing anything else. We had to get up extra early if we wanted to sneak in a cartoon before our parents got up. Now kids sleep in, get up when ever, watch tv, go on their play dates, go to baseball, football, birthday parties etc...etc..etc.

Yes, and no. Not everyone needs or should go to a 4 year college, so then a local 2 year vocational college, at home or not is perfect. However part of college always has and always will be the process of moving away from home. Some lessons just take longer and more $$, its price to be paid if as parents the lessons aren't taught earlier.

absolutely!! My granddaughter did the first two yearts at community college, did very well and got large scholarship for the next two years. She's more mature now and her parents drove her to new campus, carried her stuff up to her room, listened to a couple of little talks and said goodby. no tears on either side.

I love this comment and agree. I think going to a community college and transitioning or commuting from home is not a bad idea. I lived at home the four years I went to school and so did my brothers. My parents had a car for the boys too that they didn't have to pay for....we all turned out to be great, responsible adults. Transitioning your parents to independence can be slower and it's okay. I think parents these days are sooooo much closer to their kids than generations before....we listen to the same music, watch Glee together, etc. My daughter and I are VERY close (think Gilmore girls) and really will be friends for life. I think we are lucky to be close with our kids. My relationship with my parents is not good at all and they didn't help me nearly as much as I help my kids. I felt abandoned by my family, like they didn't care what I did at college, etc. Our kid knows we are there for her in ways my parents never were. Good example was recently she had to run down to the University where a bookstore was closing and she just found they had her book there - no way to park (parking is limited and FAR away) and get to the place in time. We ran out the door together and did a "covert ops." I drove intensely down there and dropped at the corner and circled. They sent her on to the same bookstore, different location on Campus - other side of huge campus. My mom would have never done that for me, but I would have LOVED it if she did. Heck, she didn't even care if she saw me graduate. Parents shouldn't stay in a kid's dorm for four nights but texting, connecting, or going the extra mile when needed is fine. My 2 cents.

Actually, I agree with you. My daughter is doing 2 years at a CC and then will transfer next year to a traditional 4-year. This time has given her the chance to figure out what she really wants to major in. In fact, at the very beginning, she wanted one thing, but because of classes she's taken, she's gone in a different direction. And she's done this at 1/3 the price of a traditional 4-year, saving a ton of $ and heartbreak in the long run. She's also realized things that we kept telling her about school, but refused to believe, are true. Funny how parents are suddenly wise when the kids get older and they realize we're not as stupid as they thought we were.

My daughter considered cc but after she realized that the AP courses she took in high school were taught by the same instructors that she would have at the cc, she chose to go off to college. Her first year she had a part time job, full load of classes and was a cheerleader on the university campus. And pulled a 3.6 grade point average. I could not have been more proud of her. She had chores at six years of age, her first job at fourteen, not babysitting, and was in honors and AP courses in middle and high school. She was also a competitive cheerleader for ten years, cheered in middle and high school, was an editor on her high school newspaper, and was a member of National Honor Society in high school. Now she is in several honor societies in college.

When my brother graduated from high school, he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to go to college. He and my parents came to an agreement that he would go to the local junior college (as they were called back in those days) for a year, and if he REALLY didn't like it, he didn't have to continue. He learned that college wasn't for him and followed his true interest, which was auto mechanics. He went from being an auto mechanic to training other mechanics, travelling around the country to do so, and then into a white-collar training position. College would have been a waste of time and money for him. On the other hand, I had always wanted to go to college, so it made sense for me to go to a four-year school. By the time I went, I had basic life skills down pretty well. Did I make mistakes? Of course I did- it's called "live and learn". And my parents didn't feel they had to constantly be in touch with me to make sure everything was perfect in my life. (In fact - I had applied to a college in my own state and had planned to commute if I was accepted - my mother vetoed that idea in a hurry because she felt that part of the college experience was living on campus and becoming more independent.)

Cocooning your kids further by encouraging them to commute is not the solution for every student. For some students who are not ready to make responsible choices, this could be a good choice. Many students are (and in many ways, should be) mature enough and ready to experience life on their own. The idea of commuting only encourages the role of the helicopter parent by allowing them to stay involved in a large portion of their life. Parents should make their kids self sufficient by raising them properly (i.e. responsibilities, consequences, decisions) early in life. One university I saw encouraged parents to never cry when they leave. The reasoning was simple: the student takes on the added emotional baggage of their parent. Cry in the car. College is about moving on. It's a change in stage. It has to happen at some point.

Crazy, I get your point and generally agree with the underlying message of your post, but really there is nothing wrong with driving your kids to college and helping them move in, etc.. My two boys spent 2 years in a foreign country at the age of 19 and basically had to figure it our on their own with some general guidance. So us taking them to college when they returned wasn't an act of helicoptering (as I am sure I could drop my kids off in the middle of nowhere and they would find their own way around) but really an act of family courtesy to help them move in and get set up - similar to what we would do for any friend who moved into a new house.

Me too, I packed up my stuff by MYSELF, drove to college, and unloaded it MYSELF. All at the college that I paid for MYSELF through student loans. Mom & Dad wanted to come out for the parent meeting but I told them there was really no need for them to drive all the way out there to attend it. When it came time for graduation I told the college to mail my degree to me as I wouldn't be attending the ceremony.

I agree with you domenica. My son is 2000 miles away at college and he calls me once in awhile but hey, he is a grown man, soon to be 21 and he has done great! He has a place to live, a job and is doing well in school and he has done it on his own with no help from me. It was hard to leave him out there but he has done well and I am very proud of him.

My sister is a different story. She is typical "helicopter" parent and having to see what every little detail her sons are doing at school. It gets quite annoying after awhile and I have told her to just leave them and let them figure it out but she won't listen.

Amen and thank you! This is how it was when my mother dropped me off 10 years ago, and I'm sure its how it will be when I drop my daughter off in 17 years. Kids are capable, and things will be fine, its just sad to say good-bye. All these people who say "What are you sad about? Who cares?"--- have a heart!

I so agree with what you wrote! We dropped our son off to begin his jr. year last weekend. He is 6 hours away from home. It was really difficult to drop him off his freshman year and it's become easier each year. My daughter's drop off was today and even though she is not far from home, it was the most difficult thing I have done in my 20 years of being a mother. She earned a full scholarship that was based on athletics and academics, has worked since she was 15, was in National Honor Society and was a 4 year varsity athlete who graduated with a 3.9 GPA. She is a great young woman and I will miss having her here each day--not because I am a helicopter parent but because she is just a great person who is wonderful to be around. My hope is that through all these tears I keep shedding that I will finally be able to see that this is just the next phase in our lives and that these changes will be positive not just for her but for my husband and me, as well. I have spoken to several friends who have done the drop off in the last 2 weeks and the emotions seem to run the gamit---relief to devastation. One of my dearest friends dropped her only son off today and she told me she felt like her heart was ripped from her chest. She has never hovered and has provided him with a wonderful life. He is an only child and adopted. I cannot imagine what she is feeling right now. Fortunately, we are going to be able to support one another through this next part of our lives.

mamabear, you are so right! I was definitely NOT a spoiled child, but my mother and I were very close. When she and my dad took me to college 1500 miles away from home, it was a sad time for her. She knew I would manage perfectly well on my own - but that doesn't mean it wasn't painful for her. Missing your children when they leave home for the first time is a natural part of being a parent - it doesn't make you a "helicopter parent".

Of course any parent would be sad to see their grown child go off into the world by themselves. It's sad and a bit scary. Heck I bawled my eyes out when I dropped my babies off at kindergarden for the first time....and that was just for half a day, I can't imagine what I'll do when I have to drop them off at college. My point is, some parents coddle their children so much, they don't ever learn how to fend for themselves. What are they going to do when mommy and daddy aren't their to tend to their every need? You'd be surprised how many don't know how to run a laundry machine or balance their budget. Being the expert phone texter isn't going to help them when their so disorganized they're missing assignments and other deadlines or they step into a grocery store and look like they entered into the twilight zone because mom always took care of those matters. By the time the child leaves the nest they should be ready to take on basic life challenges. The big thing I worry about when it comes to that is, the more gullible and immature they seem, the more likely they will wind up as easy pickin's to the piranhas of the world.

spare me...."cared enough to stay home (sacrificing financial wealth for love)" I HAVE to work, it's not a choice, but a necessity. consider yourself LUCKY to have been ABLE to stay home.

And maybe those moms who threw their kids into daycare cared more for their kids than themselves. It is easy to want to clasp your kid to yourself every moment, but it is also greedy. It does not help the kid; it helps you to feel warm and fuzzy and good about yourself. I don't object to any decision anybody wants to make about child care, but I strenuously object when they start criticising other people's choices. Time to get over feeling so much holier than those who want their children to be well-rounded people.

I was one of those mothers who 'threw their kids into daycare' and I resent the implication that you love your children any more than I love mine! My husband and I just dropped our youngest off at college two weeks ago. I miss him terribly but I know that we have done a great job raising him to be an independent young man and he will thrive BECAUSE of our love. So give it a break and get a life!!!

Most of the time there are options...but not always. I spent the first six years of my daughter's life as a single mom, so working and day care were mandatory. Then I met my wonderful husband and we made the choice for me to stay home with our kids. We chose this believing it to be best for our children. We had a family of five and managed to make it on my husband's salary of less than $40,000 a year. Did we struggle sometimes? Yes! Did my children miss having brand name clothes and trips to Disneyworld? Maybe, but we felt it was worth every sacrifice to make it happen. Joan, not every mom who puts her kids in day care is throwing them there to have someone else raise them.

Joan, day care might have been a convenience option for you on days when you had a manicure or tennis lessons, but for most of America, it's an economic requirement.

Sure, love your kids, but the point is we all need to stop helicoptering over them to prevent them from growing up. Turning 18 and heading off to start their own lives (whether it's college or a full time job) is about THEM, not about the sadness that we parents feel. Our parents felt it too, but they weren't so overindulgent about it as this generation of parents is.

"Maybe those moms who threw their kids into daycare their entire lives and have someone else raise them, are already separated from their kids emotionally, but give those of us who cared enough to stay home (sacrificing financial wealth for love) a break when we're torn up about our kids leaving home"

A bit condoscending there, aren't you? PLEASE! For the vast majority of us, working is a necessity, as is good/better/best daycare. Add to the fact, it allowed my daughter (an only) the ability to become socialized and learn and experience things I couldn't teach her.

Quite frankly, give me a kid who's been raised to be independant over some kid who's got an overbearing, self-rightous parent anyday. I dare say the 1st will be what the working world wants to deal with, not the 2nd.

If you stayed at home, that was YOUR choice. Most of us didn't and don't have that choice and never have. And fyi, even if I could have, I wouldn't have. I know my own limitations and frankly, I needed more than staying at home.

Oh, and btw, our daughter is NOT clingy and IS very independent. She can't wait to go away to college, and neither can I. I love her with all my heart, but it's way past time.

At least the working mothers are providing better examples for their children and showing them that women can be more than just a housewife and mother.

My daughter had a friend that had a helicopter parent in kindergarten throug high school, was involved in everything her daughter did.... drama, girl scouts, swim team, room mom etc. Everything her daughter did she volunteered for. So when this young lady graduated from an IB high school and had a full ride scholarship to an out of state very competitive university, she was not able to handle the new found freedom and inability to make good choices. She found drugs and alcohol right away and failed her first semester of college. Now she is back home at community college. Let the kid have her own life and cut the imbilical cord - givek them freedom to live their own life. Needless to say this mom did not work outside the home. She lived her children's lives. My greatest joy as a mom was to drop my daugher off and go do my own thing and show up for the final event and be amazed!!!

"cared enough to stay home" you clearly have a spouse who is providing well for your family and live some place so exclusive to where you never even interact with working mothers. Many working mothers work because we have to, we care enough to work to provide food, shelter and clothing for our children when inspite of our best intentions we end up being the only parent. As a working and at one time single parent I have sent two children off to college, it was a very emotional experience for my children and me, we are incredibly close. Inspite of being one of those "non-caring" working mothers I never missed a school play or field trip, was PTA vice-president and a girl scout leader for many years. And best of all I had my own identity outside of my children's lives which showed them how to create balance in life.

Bravo! Well said and no truer words were ever spoken!

When I was a child almost all moms were stay at home moms and my generation is no better off then any other. We are not any smarter, we're not any wealthier, and we're not any happier so cut the crap about how the children of stay at home moms are so much better off. As a matter of fact there is plenty of research to say that they're not. While there are probably plenty of stay at home moms who interact with their children throughout the day I'll bet that there are just as many stay at home moms who sit on their asses all day watching television or talking on the phone to their other lazy friends. I believe that all children probably benefit by being in some type of program outside the house even if it's only part time.

My mom was a teacher, ergo both my parents worked. In fact, in my extended family, EVERY one of my aunts worked. And that was from the 1930s to the day I moved out in the 70s. SAHMs weren't known to me.

Maybe those moms who threw their kids into daycare their entire lives and have someone else raise them, are already separated from their kids emotionally, but give those of us who cared enough to stay home (sacrificing financial wealth for love) a break when we're torn up about our kids leaving home.

Joan, I'm thrilled to death that you had a choice in the matter - some of us didn't. My son's father and I split up when my son was very young, and I HAD to work to support the two of us. His father absolutely helped out with our son's expenses - but it would have been crazy for me to expect him to pay all of MY expenses so that I could stay home with our son. I was fortunate enough to find a daycare within walking distance of my job, so I could visit my son on my lunch hour if I wanted to. Since we lived in a neighborhood where there were few children, being in daycare and interacting with other children taught him social skills that he might not have otherwise had. So please don't run down those of us who worked out of necessity, not choice - our children aren't any less loved than yours.

My oldest son actually drew a circle of 500 miles and said he wouldn't go anywhere within that circle. At the time we lived in St. Louis, MO. He ended up going to Texas A&M and couldn't be happier. The same year he left for college, we moved to another state with his younger brother. Though he hasn't drawn the circle he is as determined to go away and his father and I both insist on it. I like to think of them as cakes. Weird, I know. But my thought is this, I mixed up the batter, added some extras to both bowls, baked it and frosted it. I'm done. Always here for them, always ready to listen and ready of offer my advice, if I'm asked. I couldn't be prouder of them. I know letting the last one go will be more difficult but I have no worries. Such a great feeling!

If they haven't learned it from you in 18 years, either you have failed or they never will despite your best efforts.

That was exactly the attitude my mother had when I went to college! You do the best you can for 18 years, and then you have to just sit back and let your children learn about life. It doesn't mean you don't love them - it means you know that it's better for them to make their own decisions AND their own mistakes.

I'm in my fourth year of college and I agree with you every bit. I keep seeing comments mentioning "the parents' money", though. Some scholarships have class requirements... so why can't "parent-ships" have the requirement of the parents approving of the classes? Honestly, I haven't spent a dime of my parents' money on college and am proud of it. My mom, the person who takes care of the money, cut me loose in that regard and I couldn't be happier.

I am going to graduate with less than $20,000 in student loans and hope to graduate with less than $10,000.

Honestly, parents and high schools are falling short these days in preparing their kids for college. No one knows how to write a paper in any format so that freshman classes have to teach the different paper formats. And don't get me started on math and critical thinking!

I'd like to venture a guess that the reason parents are becoming succubus-like and clinging to their kids and watching their every move is the fact that--oops!--they failed to get anywhere close to finished raising them.

It has something to do with the desire to be needed. People now realize that marriages are fleeting, the job market is unstable, their finances are unstable. People lose their spouse, job, money and homes in a flash these days. So you grab on to kids because when they were little they needed you-in fact they may be the only ones who need you-so you keep the kids thinking they need you to do this and that for them to satisfy your own sick needs- its pathetic!

@ Adam of Portland: My family is living through the nightmare you described above. My grandfather has to go to a nursing home largely because two of his worthless children, who have lived at home all their lives, won't lift a finger to help take care of him. Meanwhile, my mom took FMLA leave from her full-time job to try and get things in order, and now the bums are panicking because it's time for her to go back to work, and they might actually have to do something. Totally sickening!