Sometimes it's better to give than to receive. If it's all about you then you can just get a prostitute. In the end, it's much cheaper than having a spouse.

Oral sex is considered dishonorable? I feel sorry for your spouse if you're married.

What's nasty about this article is they interviewed 14 yr olds.

jwhite1083.........you need to find a different partner ! It takes two to make it fun !

Sex should be giving from them both. My husband agrees with me. And no MM I will never find a better sexual partner than him.

My other question is, "How is it that a man can't tell that he's hurting her during sex?" What is wrong with him?!

Yes, giving to/from both. At the same time. Always. I hope you both have the same birthday too.

even though i've known about this from my straight female friends, every time the topic comes up it reminds me again of another reason why im thankful im a lesbian.

Married 20+ years, won't do oral. He does 2 things with his penis, pees and pokes, neither of which makes me want to put it in my mouth. Besides, when men yell insults at people what do they say.... "suck my ...." So obviously it is a degrading and insulting thing to do.

So if June Reinisch jumped off a bridge would you jump too. Drivel.

My other question is, "How is it that a man can't tell that he's hurting her during sex?" What is wrong with him?!

The answer is simple, she gave no outward sign and didn't bother to say anything either during or after, as the article states.

If I pretend to like fish but actually loathe it, I can hardly complain when the person that's cooking makes tons of it for me. Simple concept really.

Besides, when men yell insults at people what do they say.... "suck my ...." So obviously it is a degrading and insulting thing to do.

mohican - People also say "screw you". So obviously intercourse is a degrading and insulting thing to do. Guess you should stop having sex altogether.

James, sex is not supposed to be degrading and insulting. But sometimes it is. Just ask a rape victim. Or someone who's married to a jerk.

Larry, you're certainly right that a woman may not have the courage to speak up and say "Hey, that hurts!" but to say that there is "No outward sign" is a bit of an exaggeration. The guy is probably just missing them. Some women speak up immediately and loudly when things are wrong. I know I certainly don't. But my husband knows when I have reservations or if something is bothering me. Then he asks me. You know... because he cares about how I feel. :)

You guys get the gist of how I feel about sex already. It's about showing love. Not just "get'r done".

Silence? Married 30 years and I honestly don't know if sometimes my wife finds pain in our loving. Guess it's about time I asked. As for orgasms there are times when they don't happen for either or both of us but sex is also about intimacy so it is almost always fulfilling.

jwhite1083~

I don't consider oral sex selfish at all. I love giving oral to my man, it is a huge turn on and pleasurable for me as well. The more turned on I am the better orgasms I have! Different strokes for different folks.

I like the way you think ;-)...

oral works both ways! Now how is that selfish?

The people posting on this board must be of an older generation. When I talk to my married (straight) girlfriends between the ages of 25-35, they have absolutely NO PROBLEM with telling their mates how they like it and if something hurts ( we know that men can't read our minds)

I am finding with my generation less of a problem with women and more with men that either cant or won't perform in bed. The biggest complaint I hear from my friends is that sex lasts less than five-ten minutes ( seriously??!! common!) My friend told me yesterday she threw her husband down and started talking dirty to him and it was o-v-e-r within a minute. That is ridiculous.

It is mostly a matter of attitude. Do you really care, or are you just trying to get off? In my experience, a woman can be just as self centered as any man. Reciprocation is more than just a nicety, it's a virtual necessity. Indulging your significant others quirks is good way of showing you care.

Why would she marry a Minuteman? Seriously. Did she get knocked up & felt she had to marry him? Why would she even date him after the 1st experience w/ that? Obvs some serious premature ejaculation issue w/ that guy.

Are we talking 5-10 min for the entire thing soup to nuts, or 5-10 min just for the actual intercourse part? B/c if that's the entire thing, again, why would you marry that guy? You could go longer w/ a vibrator than that jeez! If it's for the actual intercourse part, maybe I just got lucky most times, but I think that's a tad below average.

I'm w/ Risha on the oral :P

And I'm clocking in for the "older generation"....maybe I'm just bossy LOL but um, yeah, a little to the left, honey, etc! You don't need to tell him if something hurts, that's why he has a skull & you have a hand *SMACK* OW! OK now we're even, honey. O sorry! They learn LOL

Nobody will have the same opinion on what is a turn on (obviously). If anything, I far prefer to give oral to my wife than even receive. The reason? Well, I just associate wild spasms and sounds of pleasure and clutching and grinding to mean that she is enjoying herself, and the fact that I just got her off is a HUGE turn on. On the flip (and more practical side), I can't do multiple. So... it is like an activity that gets me massively excited, and she has a decent shot at going again before I do. What isn't to like?

That being said... 69 is the stuff as well.

By the way, I don't think I have trouble distinguishing pain from pleasure. But, I sure DO remember when I was a novice that the moans were eerily similar to pain... seemed so at the time anyway. If something hurts, telling the guy so would probably be a good way to go.

The first time I made love to my first wife we went all night and I stayed hard the entire time. However, we also did oral on each other and everything else. In fact it all started with me giving her a massage and foot rub. The next day when she got up she walked funny like she needed a walker and she was so impressed we started doing it nearly every night.

That was in my early twenties. Now as we get older it takes less time to complete, so I know if I just went into it to satisfy myself, I'd be done way to soon for her to get any pleasure out of it. Guys if you're not giving in the foreplay, whether oral or anything else, then you're failing her.

I also want to add that women make up their minds if they are going to orgasm with you before they've even hopped in bed with you. So you better pick up on being romantic so the experience is shared instead of it being her doing nothing but giving. Show her you appreciate her and cherish her all day long and she'll gladly give you anything you want and get the pleasure from it as well.

I've loved and hated performing oral, amongst a number of other actions in the bedroom. A caring partner that also looks to your pleasure and tries to make things mutually enjoyable--which includes sometimes making it all about YOUR pleasure, however you define that--makes a world of difference. As for the naysayers, I'm sure you do favors in other areas of your life, or give gifts, and there's nothing wrong with that if you have a good relationship with the recipient (who likely does favors and gives gifts back). Why would this be any different? Does every single action have to come out 50/50?

G_Reaper.......excellent !

Have to admit that headline
"Guys often don't know what really happened in bed," could rank among the best lines of the decade if not the century !

lmfao

priceless

G-reaper you made me laugh soo hard with that one! aaaahhh! priceless for sure

it is up to both to tell each other what they want/expect w/ sex. the conversation once the ice is broken, should be about how can I make you happy? What do you like? What don't you like? If you don't talk, you just can't have a great time. both the woman and man should be asking these questions of each other. share fantasy w/ each other, tell each other how you can't wait till the next time and tell them what you are going to do to make them happy. use some freaking imagination and enjoy each other. otherwise, go solo and STHU !!!!!

Some of us do care

That cracked me up. As a woman, it probably shouldn't, but..

Moving my comment to another thread. :)

If they did it to themselves, problem solved !

Sometimes women fake it because we don't want to hurt the man's feelings, and because as the article says, communication is scary and difficult sometimes.

Many times, intercourse itself does not bring us to climax. Some men insist on hammering away until their woman is satisfied, and take it kind of personally if they do not bring their women to an orgasm. As though they aren't men, or they failed or something. Or they look at us like something is wrong with us.

They aren't bad men, we aren't bad women. We're all just sometimes a little clueless and out of touch with ourselves and our partners. Faking an orgasm helps us to end the "session" so we can be done with it already, and our partners can feel good about themselves. I am not saying it's right, just that sometimes that's the mindset behind why it happens.

We fake it so a**holes like you will get off of us! Sheesh, and then you have to demean people with learning disabilities (yes, that is what RETARDED means!) on top of it. I can't think how drunk I would have to be to bed someone with your attitude, r00s7a

Personally, I don't fake it. I also don't have to have an orgasm every time I have sex. I simply enjoy the feeling of sex. I guess I'm just different than most women.

OMG Morrigan in O... what a sad, honest yet funny comment. And, yes faking an orgasm to 'get it over with' is one very common use of that behavior.

Hope you find a partner more suited to your needs. That would be a good thing as sex should be a celebration of life.

My goal is to do everything possible to help you get there

While I think the use of the term "retarded" (to describe an action, not a person) may have gone a bit far, I am also surprised to see r00s7a being attacked like he is. He identified the core of the problem, here: men - at least the good ones - actually want to please our partners. His point was that intentionally miscommunicating what does and doesn't do it for you is a counterproductive (better word) strategy for getting what you want. Every woman with whom I've been in a relationship wants, in one way or another, her man to read her mind. Well, it's not going to happen - we barely understand you when you DO tell us what you want. But we DO want to please you - it is a perfectly valid part of how we evaluate our value to you. So why revile someone who's only saying he wants to make you feel good? Help us out, here - tell us what does it for you, and help us get it right! Why is that such an offensive concept?

His point was that intentionally miscommunicating what does and doesn't do it for you is a counterproductive (better word) strategy for getting what you want.

Yes, I find it hard to believe that this idea was left out of the research.

It is important to know that there is a perception gap, but it is more important to know why there is a perception gap. Even if the situation is impossible to "fix," understanding it can bring more empathy.

I remember a "similar" study that was conducted about how married men and women felt about their finances compared to their spouse. Result: women thought that their household income and savings were less their husbands thought they were. The one topic that was never covered in the study: "what was the couples actual income and savings?" So, like this study you could use the result to understand that your spouse is just going to approach financed differently than you. But you can't say, "Self, I am a man and I constantly overestimate my finances. I have to be more realistic and understand what is really going on." (Or the opposite take if it was the women who are more often wrong.)

Women fake it because men take it so danged personally if they don't "finish". They either think they're inadequate lovers or that you aren't attracted to them or some other self-absorbed interpretation for why the woman didn't climax. Which leads to the "get it over before he has a nervous breakdown over it" approach.

It's sad that so many men have such a narrow definition of "pleasing" their partner. If the guy is more interested in bringing his partner to climax than the partner is in climaxing, it's obvious the guy's concern for pleasing her is really about his own interests: feeding his ego or some mis-guided attempt to drum up more sex ("If she has the same kind of physical response that I do, she'll be as horny as I am"). Why do men assume that the way to please their partner sexually is for their partner to have an orgasm? Maybe the partner is really more satisfied to have a 2 minute quickie after 2 hours of scrabble. Quit assuming orgasm is the objective for both.

Why do men assume that the way to please their partner sexually is for their partner to have an orgasm?

I think part of it is that, while it's an imperfect basis for all determinations of fairness, the "Golden Rule" is not a bad starting place, and in the absence of the information gained from open and honest discussion of the subject, it's about the best a man can do. I think it's short-sighted and unfair to dismiss a man's desire to please his partner as selfish, when he's (in most cases) simply trying to give her his best idea of what she wants.

Wow, you sure sound hateful...............sounds like you aren't overly senitive to the women you go out with..............you sound more like a carpenter in your approach to love making. There are many reasons women occassionally pretend to have orgasms, and most of them have to do with the response of the guy involved, so get off your high horse.

And Marika doesn't sound like a ----??
I feel sorry for any man (or woman for that matter) that would go anywhere near her. A female preying mantis has a warmer disposition towards her mate.

At least the black widow eats him after sex......lol

The only way to break men of thinking their partner has to have an orgasm is to stop faking it ladies. It's up to us!! I have never faked it. Never will. And I have no problem saying "Look, it's just not going to happen for me today." It's no reflection of his performance. It's a reflection of MY mental state. And guess what? He's gotten over the expectation that it will happen every time.

(Note to women: calling it “little” probably isn’t a good way to honor it.)

LOL!!! Maybe women should lite candles and burn incense and chant and ode to the "LITTLE" JOY.

LMAO each of the sexes have their 'trigger' words; for men it's 'little' for the gals it's 'fat' or 'old'. Both sexes cater to their respective vulnerabilities and cope in different ways.

So for me candles, incense and chanting seem like a good start... lol.

ps nor does he lol

My sex life is beautiful. We talk, communicate

Right there, you put yourself in pretty rarefied company. In my experience, most women don't want to ask for what they need, whether in the bedroom or elsewhere. It's like asking for please and thank-you - as though getting it means nothing if you have to ask for it. But that makes no sense! Thank you for understanding that if you want something from your partner, you have to communicate that desire, or rely on your partner's ability to read your mind. In my experience, the latter is simply not a reliable means of getting what you want.

I wonder... How much of this "slapping" is code for "spanking" and the strict muslims are really just a bunch of saucy rabbits? Maybe those wife-beating husbands are really just using the whips and handcuffs because she wants him to. You never know.

I think men can slap women in every country depending on whether she likes it or not, and sometimes it's part of the role play. I know good old American boys who love watching violent porn and wish to copy it with their partners. There are swinger clubs that cater to the S&M culture, and while it's not my cup of tea, I think it all boils down to understanding what your partner likes.

If a woman is being beaten, regardless of her religion, and she doesn't like it, I'm sure her orgasm isn't really the biggest aspect of her sex life. But this article wasn't really addressing that.

That (situation) needs some clinical therapy.

Roger - did you really want to talk so openly about your personal experiences here?

here's a thought, talk to your partner...i mean, actually TALK.

thats the point of this article, after all...and it seems applicable, even though the circumstances are reversed. (im not a genius, just have a few brain cells...so this all made perfect sense to me, but what do I know, im just a lesbian with a good sex life)

Because it seriously isn't hard... no pun intended, to change your minds! Just a little contact and our 'little' friend has a mind of his own!

replying to Roger you are right that it is so very often about the woman whom comments are made about when "she's not in the mood" or "she's got a head ache" and the jokes have been more than we can remember. However in my experience there are so many men now who are in their 50's who are having difficulty with ED and we have communication issues with that issue and how it affects intimacy and sex. My husband is always willing to take care of my needs even when he is not feeling "up" to it himself. We have great communication, intimacy and experimentation together. This is one of those issues for today's couples.

Denise, if there was no pun intended you wouldn't have said that there was no pun intended. I can't stand it when some self assured idiot uses that phrase. I can just imagine you chuckling to yourself from the other side of the monitor. It's even worse when it's in writing...

Roger when you say " the woman makes the man feel guilty, she starts by asking what is wrong with her, then goes to what is wrong with him!" doesn't sound like the woman making the man feel guilty. it sounds like the man might possibly be defensive, or embarrassed, and therefore inclined to take offense or feel verbally put-upon when the woman asks why. you say in the very next line "why is this situation never talked about", while apparently missing the fact that when the woman asks if there is something wrong, she is trying to talk about it. if you could respond with some honesty rather than embarrassment and defensiveness, you might begin to get somewhere with her.

god knows, few woman aren't well familiar with the idea of someone sometimes not really wanting to have sex. if however, the problem is that you never want to have sex, you might want to see a doctor. persistent lack of interest in men is often very treatable

Michael, so what if Denise is chuckling? It's better than being a sour, angry nitpicker.

And I have to chuckle, imagining you getting all upset in bed when your "self-assured" sex partner uses bad grammar in her dirty talk, or mispronounces the condom's brand name. Would you get all huffy and pout about it?

If you can't stand something a stranger writes, you need to lighten up a bit. It's an article about orgasms, for crying out loud. (pun intended, ha ha!)

it's a funny joke but i don't know if it's the funniest joke EVER! what about this one

why will men and women never be equal

because a woman will never walk around looking like a balding poorly dressed slob with a beer gut and still think she's attractive to the opposite sex!

Lily - nice!

Atomic - actually, wrong answer. Correct answer is "to get the pathetic loser off of them"

When is a man the smartest, before, during or after sex?

During... because he plugged into someone who knows it all.

Q: What's the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?

A: Einstein's c0ck.

Q: How can you tell a woman is about to say something smart?

A: She says, "A man once told me...."

Hummm a forum for sexist jokes.

OK then my offering...

Why do they spank babies when they are born? It knocks the dicks off the dumb ones...

Don't yell at me I didn't make it up I just repeat it.... over and over again.

The Angry Guy: Einstein, perfect.

Why can't women tell distance?

Because men always tell them this [fingers held ~3.5 inches apart] is 6 inches.

The do that b/c that whole "size doesn't matter"....is pretty much a lie.

Men like you is why they make toys....

bob, are we talking about bob... Battery Operated Boyfriends?

Nuke power is way better.....lol

ceb - so very true in regards to the Puritan view of many Americans. Sex is like Chocolate I love it and want it but that does not mean I have to always have the same Chocolate. Now don't get me wrong I love who I am with and we have great sex but not the same sex every time. Mix it up in many different ways and it is great and not a bad thing to for of us. The male dominated system that was build in the 1700's and 1800's be the religious secs that control the country has made this and evil thing when it should be worshipped not a some Deity.

I think r00s7a is still smarting from the uncomfortable truth that his partner has been faking it all along.

I wonder how "pathetic" and "retarded" are working out for him as pickup lines???

carkaymom,

I am not telling you that you are pathetic, nor retarded. I am saying faking an orgasm is. It benefits no one. I'm not going to say that we "don't care" whether you get off or not, because we do. But all we can do is best effort. By faking it, you are only adding to the problem. That is just positive reinforcement that we are doing what needs to be done. I am not going to judge or criticize you, but if you cannot talk to your husband about it, then there is a lack of communication between the two of you that needs to be overcome before you can make progress. You are married to this man, there should be no secrets behind closed doors. You are not a failure, and neither is he. You just have not reached the point where sex is mutually satisfying to you both resulting in orgasm. That is not necessarily abnormal. You are correct, faking it is not the right thing to do. Openly discussing it is. Who knows, maybe once you get it off your chest so to speak, maybe you can relax and enjoy yourself and something may happen! Often times, just the stress of thinking about trying to have an orgasm is enough to prevent you from having one. I promise you, by talking to your man, you will relieve stress from BOTH of you. He will know what is going on, and you won't bear the burden of keeping him in the dark. Good luck! :)

Just show him what to do.

You owe it to yourself - and to him - to talk to your doctor about it and perhaps see a sex therapist. Could be something physical, could be mental, or a combo, but don't feel embarrassed! Relax, explore, and it sounds like it's been going on long enough that seeking out a professional would be your best bet. And, don't forget, many women just don't orgasm via straight intercourse. They're just not wired that way. It's biology. Is there anything wrong with them? Noooo...

Sweetie, get yourself a few "toys" and learn to relax & pleasure yourself - get to know your own body - and then it'll be easier for you to relax with your man and tell him what works. It takes me a while to reach orgasm, and my spouse usually can't "last" quite long enough to get me there w/o using some of my toys (he's purchased most of them for me). It's fun, we laugh, we relax, we cuddle. We've been married 20+ years now, and things just keep gettin' better. Don't give up - give yourself a break.

I agree with Kimber B. and Mrs. F14. Open your mind, get on the Internet, and learn what to do for yourself and then teach him what to do for you.

Don't miss out on what you could have. Bite the bullet and talk to your husband frankly. Explore. Experiment. Take a trip to the local erotic store. Believe me, it is worth it. And if you think you or your husband may be too conservative to do those things, you are not. My Christian husband from an ultra-conservative family in the midwest has a VERY open mind when it comes to sex...now.

"Humble thoughts" is right. You sound like these are your hangups, not society's. A partner that loves oral sex and variety (but doesn't swerve into the category of "easy" or untrustworthy) is a catch!! You're describing a generational attitute towards sex that thankfully has all but disappeared in the last 30 years.

Our mates would feel threatened because they want to believe (erroneously)many times, that they have such prowess in bed, when they are actually really terrible.

You get out of it what you put into it, honey. If you've never told him that he's not ringing your bell then it's 50% your fault. And, if he eventually did cheat, it would be his fault for cheating and your fault for being so emotionally distant.

Your opinion, and probably your sex life, are stuck in the stone age.

seriously? i am a good and decent woman who talks to her husband about sex. we also try many positions and "spice". he doesn't think less of me, in fact, he thinks that it is great he and i can talk about it. he was brought up completely different than me, and it has taken a while for him to feel comfortable, but he knows the benefits outweigh the initial discomfort.

please don't put your misconceptions on to all of us. not all men (or women) cheat.

jr-700062--I think you're right with saleto46, it does sound generational, and that is THIS person's experience. You can't look at yesterday (ie, his/her upbringing) with today's eyes and expect that person to snap into 2010's mentality. However, that person does need to be honest with themselves about their happiness and find a way to make it work for them. Perhaps this article will help saleto46 open up, or to encourage others to be more forthcoming about their needs.

You sound much more compassionate than I did in my post. Nicely done.

It's not a matter of success/fail, it's degrees of success. The more we can relax and go with the moment, leaving our internal dialogues at the door, the more likely we are to have a mind-blowing experience! And to hell with what anybody else thinks about it!

Sadly, Saleto46 you are so right that we train our sisters and daughters not to talk about sex and we are poorer for it. Ladies, if you can break through years of training and find courage to talk openly you will be surprised to find many men not only open but desperate for that honesty. Yes, I know we men need to shed our false beliefs too but breaking through these types of barriers for both sexes can add so much to true intimacy.

You would be surprised to find where that path can lead.

Wow you are sooo right

You understand what I mean? That's so rad.

I guess I'm just one of those hopeless romantics..

I think that is just a real shame that usedtocare was so surely underappreciated and you also stayed with someone without learning how to speak up and teach your partner to spend as much time and energy on you as you did. It is a shame when we get to a point where we feel taken advantage of in our relationships, however in the long run it is an individual responsibility in and out of bed to teach our partner how to treat us so communication is the key for sure. I can surely say my partner and I have learned from past poor experiences how to appreciate each other on a daily basis.

Just an hr?

No wonder all you got in return was 5 min!

I mean seriously, unless you've predetermined from the start that it's gotta be a quickie due to time constraints, it's going to be hrs long or it's not happening. I call anything less than 3 hrs a "quickie". I always wonder about ppl who are married & crab about their sex lives. It's like, didn't you sleep together (there, that euphemism just showed my age) b4 you were married? Like the guys who complain they're lucky if they get it once a month or their wives just blow them out of pity & have no enthusiasm for it & wouldn't do it at all if they didn't beg. You didn't notice this b4 you got married?

I mean, some ppl will fake it b4hand for $, I guess, b/c I do know one cpl where she did so there must be more. He made 6 figures & she got the kids & the short end of the stick in her divorce, so she put out like there was no tomorrow until he married her & then crossed her legs b/c she really didn't like sex, she just liked men w/ $! Crazy. But the majority of ppl can't be faking it for $ & pretty much no one is a virgin when they get married anymore, so WTF is w/ all the incompatibility? Did y'all think a ring was going to straighten out a crappy sex life? Why marry someone if you're not happy in bed w/ them? 353 headaches a yr is a lot LOL

Are you really serious?

If sex in humans was primarily about making babies then copulation would result in pregnancy nearly every time. Sex in primates is about pair-bonding. It takes so long to raise human infants that a strong pair bond is important between parents. It's beneficial for them to remain together long enough to raise the children.

That's what sex is about. How can one depend upon celibate religious men to explain biology and human sexuality? Public libraries are free to all. Start with author Desmond Morris.

Mrs. F

Women as men differ and not all ladies become super-sensitive. I've shared moments with only one partner that had that sensitivity issue. The great thing seems to be that you can express yourself here and hopefully with a lover so your love making won't be painful.

Communication is the key!

hardy har har....you should be servicing all of us perimenopausal women. We are going through our 'second adolescence' and we need lots of that type of attention.

BRING IT ..............................

You think maybe their fakes and you have no clue

I think the same can be said for men, John. I've encountered a few men that are that way.

The 'tude of "I'm probably not going to see them again anyway" kinda screams you're only in it for the sex.....

I guess that's fine if you just into one night stands. You might get laid often but it's really just empty sex. Find someone special and you'll see an improvement in your sex life, that is if you know how to go the distance and keep the romance alive. That's why there are so many divorces, it's because guys fail to keep the romance alive.

Guys, you keep that romance alive and she'll stick by you like glue no matter how rough life challeges get for you. Never ever take her for granted and she'll always be in your corner.