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As being a victim myself, I can say that it not only will it last decades, I know it will last a life time.
Isn't it refreshing to know that it took another "study" to prove what common sense already dictates.
Teri - There is no doubt whatsoever that you are 100% correct. Something like that lasts a lifetime.
Prayers for understanding go out to you and the countless others that have been affected by this.
Thunder - we need studies because many people lack empathy for victims of such violence. These include people in authority roles such as doctors and insurance companies. Some people do not accept the truth of another person's experience they themselves have not experienced. Up until the Vietnam war, veterans who had PTSD were treated as they were acting out of immaturity to get monetary compensation for hurt feelings. Ten years ago I was still reading editorials by people who claimed that PTSD was a scam.
Studies that link physiological damage to behavior may help unsympathetic onlookers to accept that actual harm was done to the victim and that the victim's mental anguish has basis in reality.
That is sad because before Nam PTSD was known as being shell shocked or having battle fatigue.
IT was something that was thought to only happen to soldiers. It wasn't until Nam that PTSD was recognized in victims of other traumatic events.
Those who think of it as a scam have never been around a vet when a car backfires or a siren blares.
They have never had a family member or friend in a horrible accident or molested or raped or assaulted in any way.
They lack empathy.
I cannot agree with you more, Teri. I am now nearly 70 and discovered although it affected my entire life to a certain degree, I was fortunate in that I did not let it control my life.
Teri, It can last a lifetime (for me, it's been 48 years), and the anger grows stronger. It's the helplessness that I find disturbing. I would probably kill the son-of-a-bitch if I could find him, but not before confronting him and asking him how he could do what he did to me.
The unfortunate reality of this type of abuse is that it is a cycle that goes through generations. Many of the abused become the abusers, etc. Breaking the chain and getting real psychological help when you are young is the key to stopping the continued abuse throughout generations. And parents of abused children need to LISTEN and BELIEVE their children, You are their only hope.
I've been there as well. My grandfather molested me quite a few times between the ages of 11 and 13. It never goes away. I have no doubt that my life would be quite different had I not been molested. During my teenaged years, I experienced many issues that most of my friends never had to go through (unless of course they were victims as well). Looking back, I could probably pick out the girls who were molested from my circle of friends due to their behavior alone.
I've always said that child molesters won't ever change, and I believe that to my core. Why they continue to have privileges and rights that stomp all over our innocent children's' rights are beyond me. They say that one in three girls are molested or raped. I believe the statistics are much, much higher.
We must stop using children this way. Even the slightest misuse of a child can be debilitating. When I was five my grandfather exposed himself and tried to get me to touch him. I was lucky because when I refused he stopped. It wasn't the sexual aspect of what he did but the betrayal and aftermath that has haunted me for 60 years. Minutes after my refusal he left me in an environment that was so precarious it was a miracle I survived. Then, when I told my mother, she took his side and our relationship changed. A second betrayal. Years later I found out that my grandfather had repeatedly abused both my mother and one of her sisters. I could have been so much more than I am--a better mother, a better partner, a more successful professional--had life been different--or if I had been believed and supported rather than made to feel alone and somehow responsible for the relatively mild abuse I experienced.
Kathy - I'm so very sorry you were not believed and did not receive the support you needed as a child. I, too, was sexually abused by my Step-Grandfather as a pre-teen. It went on for an extended amount of time before I finally told someone. I felt like no one believed me. He was also accused of molesting his other step-grandaughter and I was called to the attorney's office to tell my story. I was so scared, I told them nothing happened. I felt so bad for betraying my cousin because I'm sure he would have spent more time in jail over it. I finally started counseling to deal with this when I was in my mid-to-late twenties. I also went to group therapy which was a genuine life-saver for me. I realized my abuse was very mild compared to what some of these other women in the group had gone through. It took MANY years to find that I was no longer an incest victim, but an incest SURVIVOR. I hope one day you will be able to say the same. I pray for you.
What is the chemical that counteracts the stress hormone? I wish I could inject whatever it is. I don't know how, but I realized, after reading so many people's comments, that once again I have slipped into feeling alone when, in fact, I'm far from it. I don't know what else to say besides that I am so sick of the crap I put myself through, especially not knowing, like Kathy said, what I could have been and should have been. But I've always claimed responsibility for losing or winning. I think we're told by movies and culture that we can all be winners, but there is only one number one, and as a dad, I'm awfully proud if my baby is even number three because that's my baby, and at least she showed up and tried. No, I'm not what I wanted to be; from head to toe, inside and out, I'm far from it, and I make the dumbest mistakes every year, two or three I just sob over. But at least we show up and try. Broken, yes, but as I got on the bus to face a medical test, I had to wait for a man in a wheelchair. I couldn't face what he faces. At what point do we finally stop being less than we could have or should have been? Maybe when the next life begins? I know enough to know that I don't know much. I'm so tired of being afraid all the time. I forgot how many people know what that's like.
I'm sorry you weren't believed Kathy, but I disagree that we should stop studies like this. We victims of sexual abuse and incest have a right to have our side of the aftermath be seen, we have a right to be heard and if a study like this is the only way to bring attention to an issue like this and get it in front of people's eyes, instead of behind closed doors then we don't feel so alone. You can either be a victim, or you can be a fighter. I suffered at the hands of not one, but two abusers, and I chose to fight for my life rather then let it drag me down.
Maybe someone should tell our local judge that!!!!
http://missoulian.com/news/local/article_cd73aae0-a2a4-11e0-96ee-001cc4c002e0.html
And our local judge lets one of the child molesters just walk free onto our streets that we can do nothing about because she "cooperated".
Did anyone send this article to the Vatican?
What the h#ll is that supposed to mean? Are you ignorant enough to believe the Vatican supports abuse within their parishes? The fact that the perversions of homosexuality and pedophila exist within the walls of the church only prove the weakness and mental illness of the individual committing these atrocities. If you want to blame the whole organization, then why not the entire US government? Would you say Congress is responsible for the actions of your average street criminal?
sr78, let's get something straight. This article isn't about homosexuals. Get it? No it isn't, and the people that do these things aren't likely to be gay and more than straight.
Oh, and it isn't being ignorant to believe the Vatican supports or at the least ignores abuse..saying they haven't over the years is a bit uninformed at the least. Seems to me before you call others ignorant you might want to get some accurate information yourself. When organizations allow and cover up for pedophiles they allow the misery the survivors face to go on and more to be victimized, so this isn't a matter of a few bad apples and a wonderful organization.
And since this article wasn't even related to what you posted maybe we can get back to the topic. And yes, it is way past time the Vatican got the message that this type of injury can devastate lives.
It took a study to figure this out?
Let me tell a little story. First it has nothing to do with sex. I am also male. I grew up listening to my parents argue when my father was drunk. He was an alcoholic. I'm now 49. To this day if I am around people when they get into arguments and they raise their voices I can feel myself closing in and I have to leave the area. Even after 40 years.
Now imagine something more traumatic and more personal like sexual abuse. It will never completely go away. The victim may forget about it from time to time but there will always be triggers that bring it back.
You are so right. It never goes away.
Most people dismiss these problems - unfortunately I am living proof that they are true. I think it's very kind and insightful of you to think of how others suffered when you did as well, that's a rare quality
Well explained.
No, it doesn't go away. Ever, you do end up living with it the rest of your life, but you also have a choice. You can either be dragged down by it, or you can rise above it. I am a victim of sexual abuse from my step grandfather, and I wasn't the only one in my family, but my two cousins as well. We three girls chose to rise above it. It sticks with you, and you have you're moments, but its a sweeter sense of victory when you realize the abuser no longer has power over you.
Yes it lasts a life time. And it affects (to their detriment) everyone in their lives even if they have no idea why. I have observed it through several women in my life who confided.
Very true Sammy.. my wife and her sister were abused ( by different people ) early in thier lives, and my FIL did nothing about it, said there was nothing he could do, it was a different world back then. Both of them abused alcohol, have been in bad relationships, have screwed up sexual identities and lives, as well as depression. These have all affected those of us who love them: their husbands and kids who have to deal with the repercussions. They felt like they were less than worthy, without value, and have needed therapy to establish any semblance of self worth and acceptance.
I feel like you've just described me to a T! I had no idea I wasn't the only one who "ended up" feeling this way into adulthood. Really have tried to bury things over the years but like economykiller said above "The victim may forget about it from time to time but there will always be triggers that bring it back."
My folks did nothing when I finally told them (took me until I was 16 to get up the nerve to tell them, and the abuse was from age 10-11). Said it was "too late to do anything about it now". I'm now 42 and still find myself struggling in many of the ways that are described in the article. Just thought it was the way I am.
I am 53 this year - my abuse started at 2 yrs, ended at 16, when my father decided to go after my only best friend in high school. She had two children with him, my mother, also abused, finally divorced him. I have come to the conclusion that she must have known he was abusing us - my sister, 3 years younger, also sexually abused, but, she had a baby by him, put up for adoption. He told everyone that it was a 'boy from school'...that daughter is back in her life, married and children. (DNA evidence) I have tried, more than once, to get someone, anyone, to arrest him for what he did and finally get whatever justice we can, and be vindicated after all these years. He has remained untouched. My mother passed away in her early 60's....I've been able to have a fairly 'normal' life - but have flashbacks, sleep apnea, etc. I am a cynic and agnostic, as I've come to feel there is no true justice in the world. I have contacted the police in the town he still lives in, told them my story, told them there is now available DNA for proof, etc, etc - no one returns my emails, and no one seems to give a @!$%#. I would love to know if there is an organization somewhere that would help to bring me some final closure and justice to that part of my life...? Anyone?? I feel that my sister and I would make great tv on Jerry Springer....
I ran in to a similar situation, with the statute of limitations and rules regarding crime scene evidence it's really difficult for the police to do anything. There is justice and if someone doesn't pay for their crimes in this physical life, then the Almighty will. Everyone gets what they deserve ultimately.
Yes there is a GOD, i have seen HIM work, it comes back some way, shape or form
I don't understand why, for sexually abused little girls, there is a statute of limitations. But a bunch of little boys get sexually abused by priests and the law has gone after the priests (I feel horrible for the little boys, too).
I was molested as a child by my brother-in-law, and my own older sister defended him. Then, her second husband sexually abused her daughter from the pervert-1st-husband. My older sister again defended her 2nd husband! What makes my sister fall in love with perverts and then defend the perverts? I love her but I cannot forgive her.
Sexual trauma at 36 finally brought out the severest PTSD. Look for a Womens' Sexual Trauma Clinic to get help. It saved my life. But, both men never paid any price for their evil.
I think you should get a lawyer (hopefully on contingency) to sue your dad for child support and felony child abuse, then sue the state for neglecting to but a felon behind bars. I don't pretend to know about legal issues, but there must be something to help you. I hope someone of this blog can give you legal advice.
I was abused as a teenager for years by my step-father. As a middle-aged woman, I still deal with the effects on a daily basis. The results of this study are not surprising at all.
I'm 51.Reading this article makes me really mad.I am a victim of incest, I have suffered every day of my life.When my mom found out about the abuse,all three of my sisters as well, she never even asked me if I was alright. This is a women who got her masters from Yale in the 70's!!! I've always wondered why I'm so stressed about everything.My friends tell me I'm too serious.I guess I'm all out of that chemical that helps you reduce stress. The abuser in my case did spend time in jail years later when he did it again to his biological daughter and a neighborhood girl who he was babysitting!!!!!!Yeah that's right he gets out of jail, remarries and someone allows him to babysit a small girl. The big question is why oh why is this behavior tolerated in this day and age. Where can I get the help I need? My abuse started at age 4 and continued till I started my period. I'm tired of living barely!!!! I'm all out of excuses for my inability to relax and enjoy life. I want it to stop.
Lizzie,
You can get the help you want if you seek it out. These things can never be taken back, can never be undone-- but you CAN heal. As one survivor to another, I implore you to take a deep breath and know that you are worthy of a good life. Then do some research, find a way that speaks to you and let yourself take control of the healing process. I hope this helps.
Lizzie, I feel for you - and I relate - I didn't know about the stress hormone deficiency - interesting stuff.. I find a LOT of peace in meditation. If you try every day to live in the moment - then you can't dwell in the past. It has really helped me. :)
You should try to apply for medical marijuana, it might help you relax. Also, do your friends know what happened to you?
Lizzie, you're first step is probably to try speaking to some one you trust(which please, as a victim myself, I know how hard that is)tell them what you're comfortable telling them, so you're not dealing with it alone. Then start looking for a professional to speak with. I suggest some one like you're pastor if you're religious, or find some one who specializes in this kind of couseling, because you're avarage therapist or psychologist is going to make you uncomfortable. Then find an outlit for the feelings, like painting, writing, exerisise, ect.
I am a man who suffered sexual abuse as a very young child and I can totally relate to these findings even tho the study focused on sexual abuse of females. I suspect if a study was done on adult male victims of sexual abuse the results would be the same. Any yes, I have been dealing with the effects all of my life. After 5+ decades, I doubt that my psyche would be able to change.
I validate your pain. It is estimated that 1 in 6 males also suffer from sexual abuse and I suspect that estimate is much more based on the fact that boys are less likely to report the abuse. I'm an incest survivor x too many to mention and I understand what you mean.
The effects of subjecting children to religion is far worse
Your statement is based on what??
I have never been sexually abused, I am also an Atheist. I would never compare the two and their effects on children. Religion is a choice. My parents are catholic and I found my own path at an early age as every child has the ability to do, even if it is later in life. Similarly for people who choose to find religion later in life. Being abused is not a choice, the lifetime effects are not a choice. People cannot just stand up and walk away from the psychological damage resulting from abuse.
Religion is far worse???
Really???
You are an idiot, and obviously have never been or loved a victim of incest!!!
what a dope idiot is.
?
Religion, Santa Clause, Tooth fairy. Easter Bunny, all fictitious lies told to children daily until they are old enough to make up their own minds. A little fibbing seems to help round out their immature lives.
Stick to the subject, please, and don't use this entirely non-religious comment board to air your problems with religion. Find an appropriate forum.
the only "short" with regards to child abuse --is the sentences of thye perpetrators!
I see the study was only done on girls and failed to note that men also go through this very thing and are no less victims or survivors of incest and sexual abuse. I can tell you this from the years of suffering the fight or flight syndrome, and other bad symptoms. It ain't pretty folks.................................
I think any kind of child abuse, sexual, physical, emotional, mental can last a lifetime.. it's about fear and shame and the feeling of betrayal and yes the feeling that you have no control, your body doesn't belong to you, you don't have sovereignty over the one thing that should be yours and yours alone. I know 2 people that were sexually abused . One is a very strong, functioning adult, holds a job, has an active social life. She has done very well for herself, but has never been able to commit to a long term relationship. Every man she has been involved with, has been bad news so she's decided she'd rather be alone. The other person, developed a very severe OCD, she can't stop washing , can never be clean, She's almost 60 and her life was ruined by sexual abuse from a grandfather that occurred as a child. It's the gift that just keeps giving..
That's a big duh.
Sometimes causing problems?
Brilliant.
I was abused by my brother when I was 8. Nearly committed suicide, was assaulted by a stranger in a park, and have spent too much time in group and individual counseling sessions. More nightmares than I care to remember over the past 17 years, although thankfully those are diminishing.
All I can say to the people here who are struggling is, yes, your life is different from someone who wasn't abused. And it takes a very long time, but you can heal from it. Today I am able to live a happy life, with most of it behind me. It is possible, this stuff won't define you for the rest of your life.
I am a survivor of incest, and all I can say is that I hope the results of these studies will help to change the laws in this country - and the way that law enforcement agencies sometimes treat people who are trying to report sexual abuse.
When I went to the DA to try to file charges against my father for repeatedly raping me when I was sixteen, the DA was completely unsympathetic. Not only that, he asked me questions like "Were you drinking at the time?" "What were you wearing?" And then remarked my father's size and said "He just doesn't seem like a very big man." Needless to say, nothing ever happened - I was 19 when I tried to file the charges by myself, and I felt completely alone. When I called the DA's office to find out about my case, they said the file had been lost.
Today, he is still alive and living near my cousins' small children. I have alerted local law information agencies and reported him to other agencies - but nothing ever happens. I know chances are that he has molested those children - and there is literally nothing I can do about.
The abuse, and knowing that he is still probably abusing children, stays with me always. Every day - I wake up to it.
When you get a chance, talk to your cousin's children and make sure nothing strange has happened to them. Study their behaviour...if it seems a little off, they may need your help. You may not have been able to get your @!$%# father arrested, but you can at least be there to support your nieces/nephews, and that can make a huge difference in their recovery if anything has happened to them.
I was abused by my father from age 8 until 11, not just sexually but also physically and verbally. I was terrified and ashamed my entire childhood, and my mother knew but did nothing to stop it. I ended up dropping out of school and leaving home at age 16 to get away from him and was homeless for awhile, but have been able to somewhat pull my life back together, get an education, a great job, and a family.
I am now 55 and still suffer the effects - I cannot seem to get close to people and have very few friends. I relive the abuse if my husband touches me in certain ways or says certain things. Although my father is dead now, I still harbor the hate for him for stealing my childhood from me. Not only do the effects last a lifetime, they affect your own children as well.
You sound incredibly brave and I am proud of you for turning your life around. I am sure you are a strength to others as well.
I am now 60 and was a victim of sexual abuse by my father from the time I could remember until I started my period. He then started in on my sister. Did my mother know? probably. Did she do anything to stop it? no. After all these years, I still get flashbacks. It is very difficult to trust anyone, so I don't have many friends. You would think that after this many years, a person's mind could get over something as traumatic as this. I can no longer deal with stress at all. It makes me want to run away.
I'm 53 and I have to avoid stress like the plague, otherwise I get repeated shingles attacks, which I quit counting after about 30. I've had to choose to stay away from my father who is still living and 93. I made sure he never got to spend any time alone with his grand children. I could never stay in any relationship long enough to ever have any of my own, or many other things that normal people might enjoy. Life really sucks a good portion of the time. Hopefully I find a little more peace when the monster dies................
I can tell you from experience, psychological and mental abuse, particularly from a family member have the same effect. Having been so beaten down by my mother and brother over the years, I can say that now at age 59, my ability to cope with stress is seriously diminished.
this is a very validating article. a book that has helped me tremendously is "Denial" by Jessica Stern. she put my life into words like no one else has been able to do as she walks us through her attack and the subsequent effects over her lifespan.
The Courage to Heal is also an excellent book.
I have a friend who suffered mild sexual harassment at the hands of a teacher. Compared to the posts on here, it was pretty mild, never any actual sex, but he did creepy stuff like touching her rear (on more than one occasion) and then smiling about it, among other things. She still gets flashbacks about it though, and wishes she could beat him up. She told her parents and the, her school counselor, and the principal of her high school but none of them believed her. She has told me herself that it wasn't so much what he did as the fact that her own family and school didn't do anything to help her that really messed up her life. Then she found out that her parents had been keeping secret the fact that her older brother had raped an 8 year old girl when he was 13 - and the shock of learning that led to her PTSD. She says that if they'd just been there to support her and didn't have that creepy secret, she probably wouldn't be as bothered by what happened with her teacher to this day.
As someone who is a survivor of sexual abuse I can testify to the fact that the symptoms: Hyper vigilance, hyper startle reflex, depression, anxiety and feelings of worthlessness to name a few, never stop. Never. Sexual abuse is soul murder.
I agree, it completely alters you. I will never be the same....I can't get off my meds that keep me functioning, something flipped.
My mom was the victim of incest when she was young. She's in her 50s now and has had pretty bad chronic physical health and mental health problems (obesity, depression, stomachaches, severe headaches) for many, many years now. Her abuse has pretty much ruined her life, especially since she got pretty much no treatment for it. My siblings and I all know that something was never right with our mom, and it's no surprise why. My mom's abuser robbed us of the mother we should have had.
Good Lord, you could have written my and my sibling's life story.
And I'm sure many others are in the same boat.
My mom was also a victim of sexual abuse from her step-father - from the time she was 12 until 16 when she left home to marry my dad. She just passed away in January, at 61, mostly because she felt that she was not worth taking care of. It hurts every day to know that someone could do something so damaging to a child and not be punished for it. I hate my grandfather for doing this to her and my grandmother for just standing by. They took my mom from me and I'm not sure I can forgive that.
my grandmother "just stood by" as well, so my mom was betrayed by both her parents. it's just tragic.
I am amazed that this is news. Hasn't this been well known for a long time? I know women in their 80's who still cannot live normal lives because of sexual abuse when they were small children. Morality really is written on our hearts, and no amount of time can truly remove the pain that immorality and violence cause.
Yes there is a GOD, and I have seen GOD work. No one get away with evil, it comes back some way, shape or form, it does come back. Do evil and evil returns. Do good and good returns. Yes, i have seen it, I have seen it, yes I have seen it. I told GOD my problems and HE heard me but not praying in hate but love.